#818440 +(2008)- [X]
<Runter> If I ever become ruler of the world
<Runter> I'm going to hold huge "Where's Waldo" contests
<Runter> Dress one guy up as waldo and put him in a crowd of like 1000 people
<Runter> and get people from helicopters to try to find him
<Runter> to win they have to shoot him
<Jay> Why would you have to shoot him?
<Runter> Because I've always wanted to fucking kill waldo. I mean seriously who doesn't fucking hate him?
<Jay> I don't
<Runter> Well then, do you like dress-up?
#818471 +(505)- [X]
<BluECliQ> My uncle from South Carolina is visiting for the week.
<BluECliQ> I haven't seen this guy in 10 years and we have nothing in common, but I have to make small talk for another 5 hours until my mom gets home.
<champlor> what kinda stuff is he into?
<BluECliQ> He hunts, fishes, drinks and works for a cable company.
<champlor> your uncle is larry the cable guy?
<BluECliQ> If he says 'git er done', I'm leaving my house.
#819212 +(399)- [X]
swansonmarpalum: I dunno
swansonmarpalum: I do not think I would hang around someone who could not get hard and fuck me
Sigma X: Wait
swansonmarpalum: I mean if I was a chick.
#819217 +(838)- [X]
<Dark_Fox> Wheee.. Hooray for USB2.0's slow ass read/write bandwidth
<Dark_Fox> I get to watch my mod compile at the blazing speed of a snail
<Zail_Dark> snails are interesting
<Dark_Fox> I don't think they make for good eats, though
<Zail_Dark> what if it were a giant snail that was eating you?
<Dark_Fox> then i would be in soviet russia
#820128 +(775)- [X]
<Blee> i went downtown for halloween and we saw a midget
<Blee> and this guy was like "THAT COSTUME IS AWESOME"
<Blee> oh it was horrible but everyone laughed
#820499 +(1330)- [X]
<Archie> thanks to opera for the wii, i can now watch youtube on my tv
<Archie> we have gone full circle
#820509 +(1437)- [X]
<+JimBastard> you wouldnt believe what just happened
<+JimBastard> i've been tracking my macbook all day on fedex, gets signed for by "One CHILETA" at 3pm...while im at work
<+JimBastard> turns it was misdelivered....TO THE MARCY PROJECTS IN BROOKLYN
<+JimBastard> A BRAND NEW LAPTOP
<+JimBastard> so what did jim bastard do?
<+JimBastard> I put on a button up shirt, black leather jacket, kakhis, and a dress shoes
<+JimBastard> went to the address
<+JimBastard> and pretended i was a detective
<+JimBastard> laptop is sitting on their desk
<+JimBastard> "Maam I'm here about a misdelievered package"
<+JimBastard> "We know its here"
<+JimBastard> "We just want it back, or else I'm going to have to come back with a warrant"
<+JimBastard> "and no one wants that"
<+JimBastard> never underestimate the power of a well dressed well spoken white man in the hood
<+JimBastard> the guy took one look at me as he was walking towards the door....turned around and came back with the package
#820585 +(3250)- [X]
<ndruo> i'm usig my onscreen keyboard
<ndruo> i's very triksies
<ndruo> he ltters re vry mall
<NeroMan> Translation: The letters are very small.
<ndruo> this will enhance my FPS skills
<SuperJoe> What's the translation for that?
<NeroMan> Translation: This will enhance my sexual ability.
<ndruo> i hte you.
<NeroMan> Translation: I love you, GENERAL ZOD
<ndruo> iffclt is this
<NeroMan> Translation: This is difficult to the point I am saddened
<SuperJoe> General Zod is pretty cool, I'll admit.
<ndruo> 8=======D translte this
<NeroMan> Translation: "My penis is small enough that I can make a life size depiction of it using IRC text."
#820787 +(1295)- [X]
(Andrzej) I had a waking dream about a tsunami once
(Andrzej) except the tsunami was made out of clowns.
(Andrzej) and I was 5
(Andrzej) I didn't sleep that night
#822005 +(1097)- [X]
<kumaro> i got home for a terrible day at work so i decided to take a quick shower.
<kumaro> so i got in, took my clothes off and turned the shower on
<kumaro> like usual, i danced around and made a mohawk with my hair
<kumaro> it was going great until i let out a big rip
<kumaro> man, it was horrible
<kumaro> im not even kidding
<kumaro> i coulndt take the smell so i was held my breath
<kumaro> after maybe 40 secs, i gasped for air not realizing the shower was still on
<kumaro> so i inhaled a lot of water right
<kumaro> i was coughing like crazy then BAM!
<kumaro> i slipped on the shampoo bottle and hit my head on the side of the bathtub and i was knocked out cold
<kumaro> to make a long story short, i woke up 40 mins later naked with my mom slapping me in the face telling me to wake up.
<dvo> wow, that sounds really kinky
<kumaro> talk about a horrible day
#822316 +(2353)- [X]
<@J^raxis> Some people have some weird fetishes. Which is fine. Then they take photos of them, which is not.
#823025 +(1978)- [X]
<tgr> i told my girlfriend that she's "math girl, doer of math: unable to integrate with society, only with functions of x"
<tgr> and guys, this is why she's my girlfriend. she said:
<tgr> "i could do a u substitution..."
#823214 +(9171)- [X]
<Cyan> Some dude tried to break in last night at like 2am, but I was on the comp and it's like right beside the window so I heard the faggot.
<Cyan> Anyways, I grabbed the folding chair and as soon as he was like halfway through I beat the fucking shit out of him.
<Cyan> So he's laying here unconscious and I call the cops. Once they get here, they search him and look at what he fucking had:
<Cyan> 8 track tape (unlabeled), Flashlight (no batteries), Half eaten box of Fig Newtons, Measuring tape, Instructions to "Monopoly."
<dan> Dude, you fucking killed McGuyver!
#823861 +(1442)- [X]
Inflames: Dude, my sister had sex with some guy 15 minutes before he was 18. Then she called me and told me.
Inflames: I was like, wtf? I don't wanna know that.
Sandman: She doing anything February 17th at 11:45pm?
#824107 +(764)- [X]
<Gamer> Bungee jumping is like getting a blowjob off your granny, It feels great but for christs sake don't look down.
#824171 +(1752)- [X]
drool: i did a bit of an audit one month and discovered i had spent $600 on alcohol so i gave it up
drool: the auditing, not the alcohol
#825820 +(1339)- [X]
<vahnsin> A bear walks into a bar and says "I'd like a beer and . . . . a packet of peanuts." The barman says "Why the big pause?"
<NikEy> it took me literally 20 minutes to fucking understand this joke goddammit
#826140 +(769)- [X]
<Zombait> By the way, why the hell does windows tell you to say "okay" to everything?
<Zombait> Clearly the responses used there were created by married men
#826239 +(1505)- [X]
<Deltantor> Why is it so hard to find a man that wants a female that has a small son?
<f0rked_> I prefer a small daughter
<grnp> I prefer a smaller son
<ChrisHansen> I prefer that you both have a seat over there.
#826270 +(-235)- [X]
TbG: I hate that
TbG: I put all of my pr0n in a passworded .rar
TbG: and forgot the password.
#826340 +(1238)- [X]
<apples> the program 'apt-get' is currently not installed. You can install it by typing: apt-get install apt
#826358 +(2290)- [X]
<Hef> correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't holy water just water that has a prayer said over it?
<Tribolthree> holy water is water blessed by a priest, nothing special or added -_- technically he could bless the water coming from a pipe
<Tribolthree> so like you could have a fountain of holy water
<Hef> the priest would probably get tired of the constant blessing
<Hef> and run out of mana
#826387 +(3066)- [X]
<Tscully> It's Christmas. We show up at my grandmas house. I'm 14.
<Tscully> It comes time to open the presents, she brings out this little square-shaped flat present, wrapped in christmas paper.
<Tscully> I wonder what it is, what joyous gift from grandma could be so small in volume?
<Tscully> I open it, and see the words "AOL Internet Trial CD" on the cover of a cardboard disc holder, with a 14-day AOL trial CD inside.
<Tscully> Confused, I asked her what it was.
<Tscully> She proudly proclaimed "I've bought you fourteen days of free internet!"
<Tscully> And that's why I hate christmas.
#826428 +(2353)- [X]
Blood Reaper: on a scale of 1 to 10
Blood Reaper: how old do you think michael jackson's boyfriend is?
#826453 +(2066)- [X]
<cannibal> Im playing tetris, and why won't the square pieces spin like the others?
#826487 +(51)- [X]
[Gnimish is working out how to go home to usa from austria for christmas]
* Gnimsh is frustrated by airlines
<PeterPowell> dont fly?
<Gnimsh> should I swim back?
<Gnimsh> take a train?
<Gnimsh> wrong season
<Gnimsh> I looked on 3 different sites.
<PeterPowell> why not stay where you are..?:p
<Gnimsh> visa's up on the 25th of july
<Gnimsh> if they deport me for free, sure
#827006 +(5213)- [X]
ElGarlic: Spending your life waiting for the messiah to come save the world is like waiting around for the straight piece to come in Tetris.
ElGarlic: Even if it comes, by that time you've accumulated a mountain of shit so high that you're fucked no matter what you do.
#827480 +(1856)- [X]
<anon> Right now i'm watching this porno
<anon> Asian dude gets on bus full of white highschool girls and gets raped
<anon> I've been on a school bus before and this didn't happen. I'm beginning to think that porn isn't based on true stories.
#827518 +(3395)- [X]
<kinzey> i want to go out with a girl
<kinzey> and lay in the field
<kinzey> real romatic like
<kinzey> and just stare at the full moon
<kinzey> and she'll say something along the lines of "the moon's so beautiful tonight"
<kinzey> and i'll just be like
<kinzey> "that's no moon... THAT'S A BATTLESTATION!!!"
<kinzey> and then run to the car and leave her ass there
#827929 +(1771)- [X]
Seppukakke: You know, in the Old Testament, God was full of Wroth and Vengeance. You did bad stuff, he rained brimstone down on your ungrateful ass or harrassed your people with 7 plagues.
Seppukakke: In the New Testament, its like he has turned over a new leaf, you don't hear some much of the nasty things he did to his people (because if you believe in it, everyone on earth is his creation)
Seppukakke: You know what happened around the time between the New Testament and the Old Testament?
Seppukakke: He got laid.
#828460 +(2182)- [X]
<+DethFromAbove> rmuser she is not ugly
<+DethFromAbove> she is fat yeah
<+DethFromAbove> but I saw past that
<+DethFromAbove> I don't know what to call that
<+DethFromAbove> I'm not sure if it's love or what
<@rmuser> gravitational lensing
#828823 +(-109)- [X]
<Aenima> if i close my thighs forever......... will it all the remain the same??????????
<Alerik> nope..someone will use a pry bar when you hit the morgue
#829034 +(2038)- [X]
CaptainMoonpie2: Working on a report
CaptainMoonpie2: Tell me why welfare is bad
CaptainMoonpie2: But in a really, really long explanation that is easy to copy and paste
IMADV82: Because people like me end up paying for people like your mom to raise people like you.
#829281 +(7233)- [X]
ruide: hey chris, stop fuckin cybering and let me show you something
cyph33r: i dont cyber cockbite, i have a gf
cyph33r: what did you want to show me
ruide: i made an account on that scrabble website you go to
cyph33r: omg fuck you you fucking prick
ruide: chrisharker: i slide two fingers into your tight asshole
cyph33r: YOU ARE A FUCKING FAGGOT YOU KNOW THAT
cyph33r: I FUCKING HATE YOU
ruide: chrisharker: i've never done this before, am i doing it right?
cyph33r: FUCK OFF YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE
#829456 +(3461)- [X]
<TB> I was depressed last night so I called the Suicide Life Line.
<TB> I reached a call center in Pakistan.
<TB> I told them I was suicidal.
<TB> They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck
#830555 +(4022)- [X]
<Avery> I called AOL tech support once
<Avery> I was hungover
<Avery> and couldn't find my pants
<Avery> so I called them
<Avery> the lady told me to look under the kitchen table
<Avery> andthere they were
<Avery> how she knew that is beyond me
#830566 +(-32)- [X]
<dubkat> i just ran a traceroute from me, to my my box at my sisters house. it travels the frackin east cost before arriving.
<dubkat> rediculous. (she only lives up the street)
<hohum> dubkat: I'd like to see a traceroute like that
<hohum> I want to be fondly reminded of my days of using NTT/Verio as a transit provider
<hohum> them cats were like an ISP chop shop
<hohum> they steal your ISP, chop it up and bolt it on to some shitty souped up japanese hosting company
#830741 +(469)- [X]
<Geekzilla> "Ah. I see here you were a Geek Squad Special Agent"
<Geekzilla> "Yes, sir. Three years in the field. I was quite good at my job"
<Geekzilla> "I see. Well, thanks for coming in to interview, unfortunately we have no need for your services"
<Geekzilla> "But... but I thought you said you needed an experienced, talented IT tech?!"
<Geekzilla> "Exactly. Good luck in your job search"
#830747 +(10181)- [X]
<Montana> yeh but chinese for dinner.. Peking Dick FTW
<Dauntless> ... LOL
<Montana> omg here we go
<Dauntless> Can you say bash.org?
<Montana> why? so it can join the other 1 million quotes of random people saying 'i love wang.. oops typo, i meant computers.
<Montana> Screw this
<Montana> If i'm getting quoted I'm getting my moneys worth:
<Montana> MONTY PRESENTS THE ULTIMATE QUOTE
<Montana> OMFG my naked sister just ran into my room and before I could sex her she set fire/other means of destruction to my room but because Im a total geek it doesnt occur to me to get of irc and fix it.
<Montana> I instead enter a conversation on computers: OMG MY COMPUTER HAS GOT A VIRUS! OH WAIT NO, ITS WINDOWS/LINUX/MAC/NORTON/AOL. Now for the obligatory Windows ME insult where the name of the product is mistaken for a pronoun for myself:
<Montana> ME SO GAY! WHOOPS IT LOOKS LIKE THE INTENDED PURPOSE OF THAT STATEMENT WAS TO HIGHLIGHT MY OWN HOMOSEXUALITY WHEREAS I MEANT IT TO BE THE HOMOSEXUALITY OF THE OPERATING SYSTEM! HOW EMBARASSING!
<Montana> Now for the topic of sex:
<Montana> I HAVE A GF.. AND BY GF I OF COURSE MEAN A GFORCE 20MB 3.45 SYSTEM RETRO POWER MAX SUPERMAN RAPING COMPUTER STICK!
<Montana> Furthermore, I make a comment as to the worth of sex but comment of my lack of sexual activity.
<Montana> I'm forgetting the most impostant part! The lack of social interaction!
<Montana> OMG I just opened my blinds and the sunlight burnt and I saw this guy with a swollen chest and I was like WTF and my dad says 'thats called a girl' im like WTF IS A GIRL then i went and downloaded 50GB of porn.
<Montana> </end rant>
<Montana> Anyways, as I said before.. dinner.. brb
#830989 +(1005)- [X]
babygrl168572: oh so ur kalling me ignent i see
MeatCutterDrummer: I don't think I need to after that statement
#831058 +(2835)- [X]
<Greg> Statistically speaking, there are two popes per square kilometer in Vatican City...
#831193 +(-375)- [X]
<Corrupte> My friend's a fag he tried this dating servivce
<Corrupte> and found a girl that was like 20 years old, blonde, mature and had big tits
<Corrupte> Foolishly he went out wit a girl with no picture
<Corrupte> But she was actually 20 and had was blodne and shit
<jason> why is he fag then
<Corrupte> She was born on a leap year
#831195 +(3642)- [X]
(@Dreki) I just realized something.
(@Dreki) A is the 1st letter of the alphabet and H is the 8th letter, right?
#831285 +(1373)- [X]
<komputes> I'm on a unix based operating system which means i get laid as many times as I have to restart my computer
<marky-b> same, but i run windows
#831311 +(877)- [X]
<Ace073> i was just watching australia idol and they called it 'straya nidol'
<Ace073> why perpetuate the idea that we're hillbillies?
<Ace073> freakin south africa doesnt come on tv and say 'BLACK PEEPLE GTFO'
<Montana> Dude, thats so gay.
<Ace073> i know.. why dont we just rename the stupid continent Straya >_<
<Montana> I mean
<Montana> You watch Australia Idol
#831403 +(1393)- [X]
* Woussie is now known as You
* You have been disconnected from the server. Please reconnect.
* [Roy] has quit IRC (Read error: EOF from client)
* Blue_Dark has quit IRC (Read error: EOF from client)
* Blue_Dark has joined #RSR
* [Roy]|f2p_again has joined #RSR
#831458 +(1478)- [X]
evilada: damn girls are too confusing about what they want from guys
lantern: Well they certainly know what they dont want
lantern: see now i'm tall, but not athletic, i don't have a full head of hair
lantern: so bam three strikes
evilada: girls dont work like baseball
evilada: if they did, everyone would cheer if you stole second base when no one was looking
evilada: and thats the complete opposite of what happens, trust me
#831674 +(3280)- [X]
<JayQue> britneys sister is pregnant
<Quazgaa> vaginally, would be my guess
#831678 +(1071)- [X]
<xsphere> dude, josh was struck by a genius yesterday
<xsphere> it's fo funny you wouldn't believe man
<xsphere> so we're walking down the street right
<xsphere> and out of nowhere comes this black kid running
<xsphere> and one of those rent-a-coppers chasing him
<xsphere> as he's passing by josh sticks his foot up and trips him
<xsphere> turns over to me
<xsphere> and with an oscar deserving dead pan face says
<xsphere> "another one fucked by the NPCs"
#832183 +(577)- [X]
<Adolla> oh dear I ate too many broken gingerbread men
<Supel> not broken, alternatively configured, please
<Adolla> and the burned ones can't be given out they have to be eaten
<Supel> *alternatively carbonised
<Supel> *gingerbread people
<Supel> actually, ginger can be offensive
<Adolla> sorry, gingerbread people