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#832254 +(1730)- [X]

<Redden> you know what you shouldn't take on planes?
<Sealab> Leslie Nielson?
<Bagel> Box Cutters?
<Dodge> William Shatners?
<Scotty> Gameboys?
<DotTom> Babies?
<The Amazing Rando> Wesley Snipes?
<seander> Flaming torches?
<Gib Yob> Vials of smallpox?
<Kelvin> Zombies?
<Tomuber> Mutha fuckin snakes?

#832266 +(831)- [X]

<kw> I tried to download a chick flick once, but none of the packets had any sense of direction

#832291 +(2961)- [X]

Far2Paranoid: Knew this guy in HS
Far2Paranoid: Built a box with 2x 350Mhz Pentium2, back in '98
Far2Paranoid: The trick was, filled his bathtub w/ glycerin
Far2Paranoid: Took apart a mini-fridge and used the coils to cool the glycerin to ~40F
Far2Paranoid: Then sunk the box so he could OC the CPUs to 1.3Ghz
Far2Paranoid: Coolest shit I've ever seen.
AlbinoChpmnk: If this was sitting in his tub, how did he shower?
Far2Paranoid: After what I just said, what makes you think he showered?

#832306 +(692)- [X]

Phil: dude
Daryl: wut?
Phil: I just found a pic of me when I was like 6, wearing a red mcdonalds hat with canadian ear flaps that says "mc kids"
Phil: I want to punch myself in the face

#832450 +(388)- [X]

Rayo :: My friend Lupe is the Santa at the Mall.
dissolve/decay :: wait, what happened?
Rayo :: He owed me money.
Rayo :: So I waited in line today with all the kids.
Rayo :: and told him to pay up in front of all the children, "kids. Santa owes me 40"
"....come on Greg...wheres your Christmas Spirit?"
"Do you want these kids to think Santa is a cheapskate?"

#832919 +(2374)- [X]

CDSBIGSBY: at work, on the like, 'keyboard' for the cash registers, there are two buttons that don't do anything
CDSBIGSBY: and it's like, the button, a little slip of paper that says what the button does, and a plastic cover that holds the paper in
CDSBIGSBY: and this dude at work figured that out, 'cause he popped the plastic cover off
CDSBIGSBY: and so we made labels for the two 'empty' buttons on the registers we were on that day
CDSBIGSBY: he didn't utilize the full potential of the opportunity though, as one of his buttons is a happy face and the other a sad face
CDSBIGSBY: but i feel i did mine justice.
CDSBIGSBY: Lane 14 at Meijer's has a Self-Destruct button and a Bat Signal button.

#832984 +(1216)- [X]

<joeofparma> On a Christmas Eve so freezing, I commenced my quest displeasing,
<joeofparma> Through the crowded shops and busy stores of flashy Yuletide glee.
<joeofparma> In I hustled quickly tiring, looks of hopelessness inspiring,
<joeofparma> To the salesman inquiring, "Have you a Nintendo Wii?"
<joeofparma> "Sorry, sir" was his reply "for I have no Nintendo Wii.
<joeofparma> All that's left is PS3."

#833365 +(2240)- [X]

<Larno> I got terribly smashed the night before
<Larno> And some electricity cable broke down in my street
<Larno> it was like 6am postman and garbage dudes were there- watching them workin on it and the street was blocked by police cars
<Larno> eventually they knocked at my door so i m in front of a cop, a worker with his helmet a garbage mate,  a postman and my neighbour- a huge black guy who works in IT
<Larno> and all I can say is  "oh maan the village people became jheovah witnesses"

#833485 +(1675)- [X]

<Boyzoid> we went through almost 4 cases of beer
<Boyzoid> and most of that was drunk by my dad and I
<Boyzoid> I get my liver form him
<jamiejackson> you'll get it from someone else soon

#833499 +(2416)- [X]

Declan: I dunno...I love her, but this new years is going to be uber depressing
grencez: her friends are much lamer than both of you combined
Declan: The thought of her getting high at a party where everyone is drunk while I sit at home and code Perl or something is kind of too much to bear
CyanFlux: maybe try coding something in c

#833632 +(50)- [X]

Zintuki: I would use all the sexual frustration to support my theory that it is NOT "better to have loved and lost that to have never loved at all."
xShadowGunnx:  idk, I agree with that theory. Even if I don't sleep at night because of it or form functioning relationships with new women anymore.
Zintuki: wait.... You've had a functioning relationship with a woman BEFORE?

#834654 +(4658)- [X]

lemonlimeskull: Keith dodged a serious bullet thanks to his massive stupidity.
Opium: Hmm?
lemonlimeskull: Well, as you may know he lost his license months ago
lemonlimeskull: So he's been biking everywhere, which has lead to him losing a bunch of weight
lemonlimeskull: He bikes to Walmart today and as soon as he gets to the electronics department, realizes his wallet's fallen out, probably somewhere along the highway.
lemonlimeskull: So he takes the memory card he wanted, puts it up in his baggy sleeve, and goes to leave.
killjay: Uh oh
lemonlimeskull: Yeah.
lemonlimeskull: Naturally, security stops him as he gets within 5 feet of the front doors. This huge obese woman who is obviously having a really bad day - or just hates her job.
killjay: o shit
lemonlimeskull: She stops him, GRABS his arm, RIPS up his sleeve, and WRENCHES the card out of his hand.
lemonlimeskull: He knows he's screwed so he starts crying in the middle of the fucking store. He cries all the way back to the security office, and everyone's staring at him the whole way.
Opium: So he's sitting in jail right now
lemonlimeskull: That's the awesome part. The manager takes a look at him, notices the bike helmet, poorly fitting clothes, lack of any ID whatsoever, and the fact that he's crying like a three year old.
killjay: .... -_-
lemonlimeskull: Yes. He was let go and the security woman got chewed out for hurting a "retarded kid".

#834927 +(107)- [X]

Hohn Junter: I'd give up a rib for a compliant female partner who didn't know she was naked, and who'd happily share the fruit...
Hohn Junter: heck, lemme give up 2, to stay even!

#835023 +(-254)- [X]

<Ceru> when my sister went to the hospital, the bill was $11,000
<Ceru> the insurance company had a major fit
<R3mix> what did she go there for? O_o
<Ceru> she drowned

#835030 +(22001)- [X]

<Khassaki> HI EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!
<Judge-Mental> try pressing the the Caps Lock key
<Khassaki> O THANKS!!! ITS SO MUCH EASIER TO WRITE NOW!!!!!!!
<Judge-Mental> fuck me

#835033 +(2808)- [X]

Neko: how long has it been since i've seen you?
Rawr: since December 9th
Neko: dammit i wanted you to do the math and tell me how many weeks
Rawr: three weeks, three days?
Neko: oh good thank you
Rawr: why, is someone asking you?
Neko: no
Neko: i was bleeding then, and i need to keep track of when i need to buy more tampons
Rawr: ...
Rawr: you are the least romantic person EVER

#835080 +(2236)- [X]

<us98> hi
<us98> I've windows 98 installed on my computer
<Sygrke> ok
<us98> now i have a problem
<Sygrke> you repeat yourself dude

#835178 +(1001)- [X]

DHS : Could god make a game so powerful, that even his computer couldn't run it at full settings?
PoorLeno : It's called Crysis.

#835413 +(2026)- [X]

<kuiper> My mom got me a toilet brush for Christmas.
<sic> lmao
<sic> have you been using it?
<kuiper> Well, yeah, but it hasn't been working too well.  In fact, I think I may just go back to using paper.

#835536 +(1288)- [X]

<korn> yeah so i got into ITT tech today
<possible> what did you have to do?
<possible> open the door?
<korn> up yours man

#835631 +(686)- [X]

ShaZam: been here nig
ShaZam: except for my cell phone contract expired and i havent gotten a new one yet
Serrin: Who the FUCK did you think you were talking to?
ShaZam: oh wrong IM tab
Serrin: "nig"? You know you're a white kid who plays WoW all day right?
Serrin: You going to load up your 9 and go defend your turf at the mall from the bloods now? I hear they're moving on the yogurt stand...

#835783 +(-92)- [X]

<Mr. Fawf> I don't know anymore!
<Jake> bummer
<Sky> that's what happened to frosty
<Mr. Fawf> He died
<Mr. Fawf> and then Santa brought him back to life.
<Mr. Fawf> Just like our lord Jesus.
<Jake> ....
<Jake> are you saying jesus is santa?
<Sky> no no
<Sky> he's saying santa saved jesus
<Sky> and therefore.....
<Mr. Fawf> Santa is God!
<Jake> Oh, alrighty
<Jake> I can accept that

#835817 +(100)- [X]

^QuickSilver: Why the fuck don't *I* get $200 every time I walk around a bunch of locations?
Shoudai: Cause monopolies are illegal ^_^

#835889 +(1237)- [X]

(~bati) how is that thing called
(~bati) where some fat chicks takes a photo of herself where only face is shown
(~bati) or taken from some fucked up angle so she doesn't look ugly?
(p00h) myspace

#835939 +(2763)- [X]

<Jackal>: So I went over to my hippie neighbor's house and asked for a pot holder, he went inside and came out with a sandwich bag...... note to self new best friend.

#837465 +(79)- [X]

<vrit> mm* = hi, we're capcom. we don't need to come up with new ideas for games. here, enjoy street fighter vs marvel vs snk vs megaman vs taliban vs n'sync alpha super gold turbo extreme zero mega ultra double-stuf supreme extra value combo 4x
<x1gameguy2007> add three more games and they already have that.  It's call M.U.G.E.N.

#837475 +(732)- [X]

SeanieG123: I am Ministry of the Treasury of the Republic of America. My country has had crisis that has caused the need for large transfer of funds of 800 billion dollars US. If you would assist me in this transfer, it would be most profitable to you.
SeanieG123: Please reply with all of your bank account, IRA and college fund account numbers and those of your children and grandchildren to wallstreetbailout@treasury.gov so that we may transfer your commission for this transaction. After I receive that information, I will respond with detailed information about safeguards that will be used to protect the funds.

#837510 +(2358)- [X]

<SimonJester> What is JFGI anyway?
<SimonJester> Never mind... googled it...

#837574 +(2486)- [X]

<anonop> whats your worst sex story?
<anon> I'll answer with a one-liner.
<anon> It takes a brave man to swim in the Red waters, but it takes a hero to drink from it.

#838002 +(-103)- [X]

<6ix4our> Why did Mordor collapse?
<baumann> global warming
<6ix4our> A: It was on a Tolkein Ring network
<baumann> :(

#838044 +(472)- [X]

<deitarion> I've always been the "mind is more important than looks" type and all the girls around here are idiots.
<pewbert> deitarion, same here, but idiot pussy feels just as good as smart pussy

#838192 +(2719)- [X]

<Betty> So, wanna go see a movie tomorrow
<Sokol> NO! I toled you, i haev a girlfriend!!!
<Betty> I AM YOUR GIRLFRIEND YOU STONED FUCK!!!

#839112 +(2175)- [X]

<Evan> Real Swiss chocolate? Like from actual Sweden?

#839113 +(-187)- [X]

Valkon_jedi: Fuck it, the final boss is an ewok

#839131 +(1157)- [X]

<Codi> Windows is unprotected sex. Linux is using a condom, the pill, a vasectomy, and the Berlin wall.

#839482 +(-12)- [X]

<@k1ck-Paulh4x> ROFL MY GRANDMA HAS BEEN OUT AND BOUGHT HERSELF COD4!!!!
<@k1ck-Paulh4x> cant wait to own her on a server =p
<@k1ck-Paulh4x> and call her a silly bitch

#839563 +(1191)- [X]

[Bwafflz] <Veritas|jackals> if u know how to get ur dick out of a beer bottle (dont ask) PM ME plZ immeditately!!!!

#839694 +(1376)- [X]

<DRPONEOS> pretty soon nike will open a shoe factory here if the dollar gets much more worthless

#839727 +(3935)- [X]

anon: You're so gullible.
sleaz: You mean gullable.
anon: What?
sleaz: It's spelled gullable.
anon: Oh. Okay.

#839758 +(634)- [X]

<gaarie> who the fuck names a lake winnipesaukee
<DX|laptop> indians
<ch> yep
<gaarie> truth
<DX|laptop> and not the tech support kind
<ch> the casino kind

#840008 +(797)- [X]

<Krys> I had the funniest phone call last night when I was at work
<Krys> had to tell the guy to buy a new SIM card, because he fried his..and he was like "Okay thanks" and we ended the call..except he forgot to hang up
<Krys> so I had my phone on mute and all you hear is "Stupid bitch" and he goes on insulting me...so I give him a few moments
<Krys> I go on the line and I'm like "Sir, you may want to disconnect the line. I'm still here"
<Krys> and he's like "OH FUCK" *click*

#840506 +(22)- [X]

<@TekniQue> just keep it simple
<@TekniQue> if(Field.Grass == TRUE) { Ball.play(). }
<Kjarrval> But what if someone has performed Field.Shave() ?
<@TekniQue> good question

#840746 +(856)- [X]

<Deco> Two pakis in a Golf tried to cut in in front of me and nearly hit my car. Then they followed me even though it was their fault. They stopped next to me at the next set of traffic lights and the passenger said "I'll follow you home". I replied "Follow me to your mom's". You've never seen me drive as fast as I did trying to get away from them.
<Deco> I loved the look of his face, though.

#841006 +(184)- [X]

<Arbe> there's this really pretty girl at college
<Arbe> all her friends hate me though
<Arbe> with good reason
<Arbe> what do i do???
<xpCynic> look for someone else
<~blackhole89> Download a girl ending in .jpg instead
<Arbe> will she keep me warm at night?
<~blackhole89> get a laptop
<Arbe> and tell me that the future doesn't matter?
<~blackhole89> with speakers

#841142 +(1794)- [X]

<Thalog> is it just me, or has our society come to the realisation of Ray Bradbury's Fahrenheit 451?
<Thalog> I recall being in a car filled with 5 people, excluding myself
<Thalog> but no one was talking
<Thalog> everyone was doing things on their cell phones and such
<UlsterResident> ah, yeah
<Thalog> and they might as well have not have been there
<Thalog> and when they did talk, they didn't really say anything in particular
<UlsterResident> I'm gunna go watch some TV
<UlsterResident> bbl
<Thalog> ...

#841151 +(52)- [X]

GreenWithEnvy89: what are you doing now
pardusorientalis: writing
GreenWithEnvy89: yay
GreenWithEnvy89: show me when you get stiff
GreenWithEnvy89: uhhh
GreenWithEnvy89: did i say that?
GreenWithEnvy89: stuff i meant
GreenWithEnvy89: stuff
pardusorientalis: XD
pardusorientalis: stiff
pardusorientalis: a stiffie

#841171 +(214)- [X]

Laggyware has left (Quit: There are three types of software. Free as in speech (FOSS), Free as in beer (Freeware) and Free as in BitTorrent.)

#841280 +(3473)- [X]

<Xikaze> I believe my mom finally realized that calling my brother a son of a bitch was fairly stupid on her part

#841294 +(349)- [X]

<+ajrez> same job when i moved across the street the cubes were lower, typical gray, and huge, 8x10 or something
<+ajrez> at that location i ran some 2x4s up to 7' and covered my cube with camoflage netting
<+ajrez> so in the middle of this giant room filled with cubes there was this bunker in the middle of it
<+ajrez> CEO would give tours to investors... "and that over there is the security team"   "ohhhhhhh" /knowing nods/

#841435 +(1561)- [X]

<Sam> Coding in C is like sending a 3 year old to do groceries. You gotta tell them exactly what you want or you'll end up with a cupboard full of pop tarts and pancake mix.


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