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#841699 +(337)- [X]

<timtim> the recession is worse then a divorce, i've lost 50% of my assets and still have my wife

#841903 +(404)- [X]

<ZS-Hawk> When I turned 18, I got a gillette mach 3 in the mail from the air force I think. I opened it up in front of my parents, and my dad says "ooh, nice razor! I'm going to do to that one what you do with mine!" and before he could finish his sentence, I said "noo! Don't shave your balls with my razor!" and before he could think, he laughingly said "no, I mean beat it on the sink until the blades are all crooked!"
<ZS-Hawk>  About 10 minutes of my mom giggling and my dad realized what I said, but I was out the door. It never came up again.

#842161 +(2150)- [X]

<Skail[IRON]> I get a girlfriend-free evening, tonight.
<Skail[IRON]> All evening.
<Skail[IRON]> :D
<Skail[IRON]> I'm thinking I'm going to sit on the couch in my underwear, drink beer, and watch porn.
<Driedsponge> You don't do that WITH your girlfriend?
<Skail[IRON]> No, she makes me drink wine.

#842604 +(1127)- [X]

lml-mike: i love to speak just after people saying : "...or not"
lml-mike: it's compatible with EVERYTHING people says
Quinten: you arent gay
lml-mike: ...
lml-mike: almost everything

#842650 +(383)- [X]

<Helen> Well my husband never yells at me
<Helen> Neither he swears nor say rude stuff to ppl
<Helen> And he almost never stays late by computer
<Helen> And he never cheats on me and never goes to that horrible drinking places like pubs and stuff
<Helen> Isn't he great?! ^_^
<DialSoft> Hmmmm..........
<DialSoft> Try poking him with a stick
<DialSoft> He seems pretty dead

#843808 +(226)- [X]

< bluehat> the more I think about it, the more I realize I don't really need a perfect world to be happy
< bluehat> I'd easily settle for one where it is physically impossible for a bathroom to run out of toilet paper
< andrewjb> careful what you wish for
< andrewjb> you may get that, but have to reuse the same sheets of toilet paper

#843987 +(1367)- [X]

sploich 1: You know what's funny?
sploich 1: From the late 1800's into even the 60's and I think 70's, women were fighting for their rights.
sploich 1: Now, we have women like Fergie.
sploich 1: It's like, they fight for almost 100 years to not be known as objects, then once they get that they dance in rap songs about male supremecy.
SALawncare: then there's ann coulter
sploich 1: He doesn't count.

#844354 +(445)- [X]

<MrNonchalant> she dumped me in the worst way possible
<MrNonchalant> Facebook defriend and status change
<MrNonchalant> one day you're in love with a girl who loves you, you have a romantic dinner, and you have a really nice moment together
<MrNonchalant> two days later you type her name in Facebook search and it doesn't autocomplete
<MrNonchalant> it doesn't autocomplete!

#844663 +(495)- [X]

< Laura> I used to have a preserved human penis in a jar.
< Laura> It was lost in a move.
< Laura> This made me sad until someone pointed out that that means that SOMEONE moved into a house and found a human penis in a jar.
< Laura> This makes me feel better.

#844939 +(167)- [X]

<Nanako> The only uniforms they had were too big
<Nanako> So I have like a 3xl jacket
<Nanako> it goes almost down to my knees.
<Nanako> and the pants kept falling down my hips and I had to keep pulling them up.
<Tails> So you've got the gangsta UPS look going on
<Nanako> fo sho
<Nanako> all up in yo grill with mah package

#845468 +(3820)- [X]

<piercings> A programmer started to cuss
<piercings> Because getting to sleep was a fuss
<piercings> As he lay there in bed
<piercings> Looping 'round in his head
<piercings> was: while(!asleep()) sheep++;

#846163 +(930)- [X]

<SQB> It's coming in slow.
<SQB> What are you using on your end? Carrier pigeons? Smoke signals? Talking drums?
<XselloutX> The neighbours.

#846403 +(183)- [X]

<Jam> brb, I think my parents are having sex
<Sentynel> ...why brb?
<Asperoth> he wants to go find out for sure?

#846544 +(216)- [X]

<BillyM> If life were like IRC, my mom would be kicked for flooding and repeating text.

#846604 +(229)- [X]

<andy> meaningful conversation always brighten one's day...
<Pkekyo|> no fucking wonder it's pitch black outside

#846669 +(235)- [X]

* sAh got rearended on his way to work today
< soybean> how
< sAh> the girl's car skidded
< sAh> minor damage to my bumper
< sAh> i could care less
< soybean> but the most important question
< soybean> WAS SHE CUTE
< sAh> easiest phone number i ever got

#846696 +(1513)- [X]

<maiden> the wife is going to acupuncture to help us get pregnant...$65 a week
<knightmare> I'd think if she needed little pricks to get pregnant you would've gotten the job done months ago

#846801 +(1840)- [X]

<fugi> when mccain wins the election and invades iran, do we get to yell "Monopoly!" and put hotels across iraq, iran and afghanistan?

#846915 +(3265)- [X]

<Guillotine>: The problem with being Democrat is that if you vote for Obama, you're sexist. And if you vote for Hilary, you're racist. Its easy being a Republican. No matter what you're retarded.

#847483 +(-189)- [X]

Greenday2262: I'll bet Gandalf got SOOO high.
Greenday2262: That fool can blow smoke-ships ffs!
SunuvaChod: hahaha
Greenday2262: I mean if Gandalf wanted to blaze with you, you would blaze right?
SunuvaChod: if gandalf wanted to blaze with me
SunuvaChod: id already be so fucked in the head that blazing wouldnt fuckin matter
SunuvaChod: so yes i would

#847500 +(240)- [X]

<+Clive> news.bbc.co.uk headlines: Police are searching bins in a bid to find fresh clues in their hunt for missing schoolgirl Shannon Matthews.
<+Clive> So... they're looking for a laden bin?

#847598 +(1725)- [X]

Amul Muzz said:
Why do I get the feeling that this is really a mob, just waiting for someone to say something they do not agree with?
chrismjr said:
That's the best description for the internet I've ever heard

#847733 +(4233)- [X]

l70uke: network connections says it cant find an IP address
dbbolton: open a web browser and type in the address bar
dbbolton: what happens
l70uke: "please enter disk into drive a"
dbbolton: what the FUCK

#848292 +(254)- [X]

<@lysol> is tubgirl a republican?
<jbroome> lysol: yeah, she believes in the trickle down theory

#848390 +(2070)- [X]

(+ColdPie) my lesbian coworker's partner is having twins
(@uguu) is she hot
(+ColdPie) no, she's a real life lesbian
(@uguu) oh right

#848957 +(2628)- [X]

Nameskaz: can you help me with an experiment real quick?
MarineWife021406: sure
Nameskaz: let me see you naked
MarineWife021406: no
Nameskaz: you see, these fortune cookies are bullshit
Nameskaz: "Your courage will reward you" my ass

#849870 +(-432)- [X]

<PufF-> think im gonna wait to smoke up til i get to work
<PufF-> i dont like driving high

#849884 +(846)- [X]

< FurnaceBoy> this is a waste of time
< FurnaceBoy> all he has to do is type what we told him
< Tonren> bluecake: When you run a command in a Linux terminal, it searches your path for the command.  type "echo $PATH" to see where Linux will look for commands you type.
< FurnaceBoy> stop trying to educate, Tonren. this is irc.
< FurnaceBoy> we yell at people

#850065 +(6439)- [X]

<N> which is correct, seven and five IS thirteen, or seven and five ARE thirteen?
<Joker> Neither.
<Joker> Because it's twelve.

#851971 +(2039)- [X]

<Crucial> whats a quick way to push ipconfig /release, ipconfig /renew to 50 or
so workstations
<Mo> cycle power to the building

#853345 +(1938)- [X]

<DaMouse> HP should make weaponry
<zid`> nah
<zid`> the ammo would cost more than the gun

#853555 +(4067)- [X]

<Taki> I swear I just took a dump with well defined anatomical features
<Taki> a long smooth tail and a bunch of little hardened pellets making up a complex head
<Taki> I didn't want to flush it, it's probably the closest thing I'll have to a son
<bryant> I think in the 3 days I've seen you in this channel you've done a better job keeping me in school and off drugs than every authority figure I've met in my entire life.
<Taki> I do what I can

#854262 +(3324)- [X]

<egof>I'm not that nerdy, I've only seen 30% of the star trek episodes
<kaj>if you know what percentage of the star trek episodes you have seen, you are inarguably nerdy
<egof>it's unarguably
<kaj>you are not helping your case

#854608 +(2008)- [X]

sterano: Whats the difference between Raid_0 and Raid_1?
Steve: In Raid_0 the zero stands for how many files you are going to get back if something goes wrong.

#854899 +(2176)- [X]

<MugsyDaFish> i was peeing on the building and a cop rolls up on his bike
<MugsyDaFish> i told him, i hope you're not going to arrest me cuz i don't think ill be able to sit on the handlebars
<MugsyDaFish> i almost went to jail for that

#855953 +(-35)- [X]

faux978: Awesome conversation
faux978: On the way to the bathroom, my sister spots me "NOOO I HAVE TO PEE"
faux978: "Well, I have to shit"
faux978: "I figured that's why you brought the laptop..."

#856014 +(3182)- [X]

<taurnil> Something freakin hilarious happened in my chemistry class today
<taurnil> i was asking my teacher about the origins of the element "europium"
<taurnil> i said "So, where does eouropium come from?"
<taurnil> my teacher gives me the most confused look ever, and then slowly says "i don't have any opium"

#856153 +(771)- [X]

<Kin68ling>   :-pd-:
<Kin68ling> two girls making out
<sadoomed> how do u know its not 2 men?
<Kin68ling> because i still have some faith left in the world

#857335 +(2397)- [X]

<Sam>: So, that 5 gorgeous sketchbook I bought today? I sit down to do the first page thinking "Oh wow, this is gonna be awesome - I'm gonna fill it with great drawings and keep it forever" and all that shit.
<Sam>: Open the book, thick black ink pen in hand and say "Right, what shall I put on the first page?... Hm, a nice "SKETCHBOOK" with doodles around will do while I wait for inspiration"
<Sam>: I get to "SKETH" and realise I've missed out a C
<Sam>: My heart stops - my lip trembles... Do I rip out the page? No! I'll improvise - I'll turn that C into a H with stripes! Yeah, that works.
<Sam>: Okay, now I can carry on
<Sam>: I finish writing it and have a look at my handiwork
<Sam>: and then I see it
<Sam>: Fuck

#857578 +(2080)- [X]

<jess> So whats the difference between the mormons and the muslims??
<jess> The mormons want their 72 virgins now

#858252 +(1018)- [X]

Eldragon: seriously the level of public debate in this country is about the same as an elementary school yard
Eldragon: Wolf Blitzer: This just in from the tether ball Court, Obama's friend said Ms. Clinton has cooties.

#858690 +(1166)- [X]

<@terminal> dudes i must say
<@terminal> it's interesting to start your day off with a morning BJ
<@renounced> you should probably tell the police your step father is molesting you

#858720 +(1382)- [X]

Master : You know, i just dont want to hurt you with my questions, its just my art to speak directly, so its better if you simply start to tell something about your life and so on.
Animegirl : You are so funny ^^, dont worry if i dont want to answer your question, i gonna say it to you, its really hard to insult me just asking something :)
Master : Well... So, what do you prefer : ananas, strawberry, apple or peach ?
Animegirl : Wow :) Well, didnt expect this question, but it absolutely didnt insult me :) I prefer apple, why ?
Master : I was just thinking about which taste shoud condoms have when i gonna come to you
AniBot : Animegirl has left the "anime" channel

#859821 +(-131)- [X]

<[Piratez]> www. g( . )( . )gle.com
<[Piratez]> now if google would celebrate the same holidays as I do

#859848 +(3583)- [X]

<Myrf> I was giving some guy a job interview today, and it turned out he didn't know who the Beatles were.
<Myrf> So, of course, I had to turn him down :P
<bozz> wtf, a bunch of people don't know who the beatles are
<bozz> whyd you have to turn him down just because of that
<Myrf> Dude, I work at a RECORD STORE.

#860040 +(8274)- [X]

<JoshtheRipper> Brad do you have any issues with " burn in " on your plasma?
<KnaveBrad> nope
<JoshtheRipper> kool
<JoshtheRipper> How well does it handle blacks
<KnaveBrad> I have it bolted to the wall, so they can't really take it without some serious work

#860816 +(2393)- [X]

<amz> I thought that you had been an atheist since forever
<Batou> My Dad is massively religious.
<TheShadowZero> your mother is massively multiplayer, though

#861237 +(812)- [X]

<Quag7> Is there a way of enforcing a specific permissions octal on any new files created in a directory, irrespective of a user's umask?
<raf> I don't discuss philosophy on IRC

#861294 +(827)- [X]

<nero> HTML without CSS is like a gun without ammunition
<nero> you can beat people to death with the butt of a gun, but bullets are so much more efficient

#862002 +(1190)- [X]

JBdarnet: I've been told I'm not a bad looking guy here, which is a red-light to hear from someone else in the Navy.

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