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#863010 +(1057)- [X]

<Ambrosh> as a philosophy major I made sure that a job would be opened for me after college
<Kin68ling> until people realized that they can pump their own gas?

#863463 +(2794)- [X]

BlkBlade393: would you hit it?
WordsLikeVenom: i'd hit it so hard, if you pulled me out you'd be the king of britain

#864128 +(2596)- [X]

<TAURiNE> i guess Dafreakzo and distressp are twins who were seperated in the hospital
<distressp> don't fuck around
<distressp> i was adopted
<distressp> i live in constant fear of accidentally fucking a relative

#865032 +(4281)- [X]

<omega> i like star trek because it's actually pretty realistic.  the technology is fiction, but it follows real physics
<Kuiper> In Star Trek, whenever there are torpedoes or phaser fire hitting a ship, you can hear the explosions even though they're in space.  How is that "real physics?"
<omega> in space, explosions are actually louder
<omega> because there is no air to get in the way
<omega> dumbass

#865098 +(2906)- [X]

<FossZombie> wtf
<FossZombie> quote "so you are 23 years old right?" me: "yes" them: "did you have any programming experiance in the 1970s"
* Wolfed hails FossZombie
<FossZombie> I'm tempted to say yes
<Wolfed> It would have been interesting.
<FossZombie> Yes in 1971 I was the lead computer scientist for the military, until 1975 when I switched jobs and worked for zenith for a short period of time until 1980s when I switched over to the atari group programming team. In 1984 I was born and that pretty much ended my career as a programmer.
<FossZombie> I spent the next three years shitting myself and learning how to speak and learn my ABCs

#865182 +(1750)- [X]

<wahnsinn> $4000 for a couch?
<griff> you could feed some kid in africa for TEN YEARS for that couch
<Mo> but could you sit on him afterward?

#865574 +(1848)- [X]

<flux-1> certainly vista sucks and I never upgraded, but really, does mac really need to poke at pc in every commercial?
<twentyonegrams> that's like kid with one leg making fun of a kid with one arm

#865725 +(1377)- [X]

Tazoa: No one has crashed more cars then me. I backed my truck into a rock camping once. Broke the differential cover.
Recaro: Shit how'd you get home man?
Tazoa: I fiberglassed it back together. turns out differential oil passes right through fiberglass.
Recaro: Sounds about right
Tazoa: so I popped it back open and pushed some bananas in there to thicken the mixture. Long story short i drove 700 miles with two bananas in my rear end.

#865776 +(703)- [X]

<^Migs^> the way I see it, if a school district is going to block something that's useful for educational, they need to provide an alternative
<^Migs^> e.g., if you block YouTube, host your own media sharing site.
<^Migs^> if you block Myspace or Facebook, host your own social network
<^Migs^> etc.
<tensai> if you block porn, host your own naked pictures

#866112 +(1699)- [X]

<glyph> For example - if you came in here asking "how do I use a jackhammer" we might ask "why do you need to use a jackhammer"
<glyph> If the answer to the latter question is "to knock my grandmother's head off to let out the evil spirits that gave her cancer", then maybe the problem is actually unrelated to jackhammers

#866133 +(4376)- [X]

<Poyzin> The vet supervisor was asking me to jack off a horse to get the semen to artificially inseminate a female horse.
<Kilts> wtf lol
<Poyzin> But listen! This was a racehorse, so the owner says that I need to massage it's prostate. I'm assuming you don't know this, but the prostate on a horse is VERY fucking far back there.
<Poyzin> So, I get on the arm-length glove and I look in the room to see another doctor with a cat or something. Tells me we had too many animals so the horse was moved to a room close to the front.
<Poyzin> Well, I get there, and I put my arm in this horse's ass. I'm talkin' less than a foot from my shoulder deep. All in clear view.
<Poyzin> And then some redneck couple come in and they see me because this front room has shit protection on it.
<Poyzin> "You a vet?" The guy ask. I wait a few seconds to see if he was joking, but then I look back to the horse's asshole.
<Poyzin> "Nah, I'm with the Amish. I'm their mechanic."

#866224 +(2258)- [X]

[dcg] I love how someone links a picture of a woman with a penis and it turns into a discussion about monitor resolution

#867104 +(1196)- [X]

<philtwo> mmm... smoked clams in a can
<philtwo> only get to feast upon this delicacy when the wife's not around
<PhrkOnLsh> women, eh?
<philtwo> indeed
<philtwo> some men cheat on their wives in their absense... I eat clams in a can

#867379 +(-396)- [X]

< Magus|Screen> Ooh, that would've been bad
< Magus|Screen> Trying to think of an analogy for a problem this customer's having
< Magus|Screen> "Trying to predict loads on the shared servers is like trying to make a Jew eat pork"
< Magus|Screen> Almost said it

#867633 +(3251)- [X]

<Deeeno> I've seen hentai that is more believable than scientology.

#867713 +(2037)- [X]

<Devildrake> www.meatspin.com
-About 3 minutes later-
<Yodo> Woot 1000 spins
<Yodo> This game needs highscore table and ingame chat
<Devildrake> Dude wtf, it's a shock site, not a game...
<Yodo> Oh...

#868223 +(7835)- [X]

<Domsey> Woah, I got the weirdest moment of my entire life this morning
<bender> what happened?
<Domsey> you know, there was a party at my neighbours' last night
<bender> yeah, you've been fucking drunk..
<Domsey> you've been there, too?
<bender> sure...
<Domsey> well, you see i can't remember anything
<Domsey> but this morning I woke up in my bed, and there was my mom lying next to me.
<bender> wtf...?
<Domsey> That's exactly what i thought
<Domsey> So, my mom got up instantly when i woke up, smiled at me and said "U're so much better than your dad is." then she left the room
<bender> OMFG!!!
<bender> you didnt do that! TELL ME IT WASNT LIKE THAT!!! TELL ME YOU'RE A DUMBASS LIAR!!!
<Domsey> no, i'm not lying
<bender> OMG!!!
<Domsey> but it turned out she was playing a trick on me. Paycheck for coming home late, all drunk.
<bender> ...
<bender> your mom's such a freak. o.O

#868657 +(1986)- [X]

<Megistos> I once gave someone what amounted to a virus over IRC
<Megistos> it was a mIRC script that allowed us to remotely execute mIRC commands
<Megistos> what a fool
<Megistos> At first we just made him say stuff in channels
<Megistos> then we realised mIRC could talk to the whole system with /run
<Megistos> hence this immortal line
<Shiyiya> Heh
<Megistos> <lbal> wtf, i come back from css to find 63 calculators open
<Shiyiya> lmao

#868740 +(1282)- [X]

Brianna says: im wondering where my cuddle buddy is.
Jason says: wtf, is that what women call "fuck friends" These days?
Brianna says: no!
Jason says: well maybe he's "cuddling" with someone else
Brianna says: fuck you

#868801 +(-412)- [X]

<zaim> you know the jews had dns back in the day
<zaim> their numbers resolved to a name

#868827 +(3911)- [X]

<Matty> Hmm
<Matty> A little bored this afternoon
<Matty> Thought i'd do an exercise on leasing versus renting
<UG> indeed
<Matty> Paul Macartney is my subject
<Matty> I note according to reports he paid 49million dollars to heather mills for 5 years or marriage?
<Matty> Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship (which lets be honest, probably didnt happen) it would end up costing him $26,849 per time.
<Matty> Heather aint exactly the best looking bird
<UG> then he's a dumbfuck :)
<Matty> Now i also note, Elliot Spitzers call girl, Kristen, an absolute stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything..
<Matty> Had Paul McCartney 'employed' Kristen for 5 years, he would've paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years (a saving of $41.7 million).
<Matty> Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, ability to put BOTH legs around you (!!!), no bitching and complaining or 'to do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when you ask her. All at 1/7th the cost, with no legal fees
<Matty> Sometimes renting makes far more sense..

#869038 +(4333)- [X]

cakey: Can you build websites with firefox?
imarock: can you build cars with roads?

#869602 +(3544)- [X]

< Lapkawitz> and you can tell she's really japanese becase her genitals produce a forcefield that pixelates the air around them

#870063 +(9844)- [X]

<djahandarie> we ain't here to do e-c-e
<djahandarie> we're here to do c-s-e on the w-e-b
<djahandarie> listen to me spit these rhymes
<djahandarie> while i program lines
<djahandarie> and commit web accessibility crimes
<djahandarie> word, son
<http402> You talk like your big on these I-Net kicks,
<http402> But your shit flows slower than a two-eighty-six.
<http402> I'm tracking down hosts and nmap scans,
<http402> While Code Igniter's got you wringing your hands.
<http402> Cut the crap rap,
<http402> Or I'll run ettercap,
<http402> Grab your AIM chat,
<http402> N' send a PC bitch-slap!
<http402> peace
<djahandarie> you're talkin bout down hosts and nmap scans
<djahandarie> while i got other plans
<djahandarie> you're at your new job, but you can't even do it right
<djahandarie> you just create a plight with your http rewrites
<djahandarie> i've been on the web since the age of three
<djahandarie> you just got on directly off the bus from mississippi
<djahandarie> respect yo' elders, bitch
<http402> You've been webbin' since three, but still ain't grown up,
<http402> Gotta update your config and send the brain a SIGHUP.
<http402> You say you're that old? No wonder you're slow!
<http402> You're knocking at the door while I run this show!
<http402> Elders my ass, you're shit's still in school,
<http402> Hunt and pecking at the keyboard like a spaghetti-damned fool,
<http402> Rim-riffing your hard drive like a tool,
<http402> Face it. I rule.
<djahandarie> i erase my harddrives with magnets (bitch)
<djahandarie> all you can do is troll on the fagnets
<djahandarie> and son, my brain's wrapped in a nohup
<djahandarie> it wont be hurt by the words you throwup
<djahandarie> dont mind me while i emerge my ownage
<djahandarie> while you're still over there apt-getting your porridge
<djahandarie> you say i'm still in school
<djahandarie> but the fact is that i know the rule
<djahandarie> cuz you need to go back to grade three
<djahandarie> and you better plea, that they take sucky graduates from c-s-e
<http402> Time to bend over and apply a patch,
<http402> Your brain's throwing static like a CD with a scratch.
<http402> Your connection got nuked and you've met your match.
<http402> You run a single process like a VAX with a batch.
<http402> I'd pass the torch to a real winner
<http402> But it'd just scorch a while-loop spinner
<http402> Caught in a loop that you cant escape,
<http402> I run clock cycles around your words and flows,
<http402> Cuz your rhyme is like a PS fan: it' blows,
<http402> Your water-cooled lyrics leak and it shows,
<http402> Take your ass back to alt.paid.for.windows.
<djahandarie> Good god, I can't even respond to that. :P
<djahandarie> You win haha
* http402 takes a bow

#870274 +(4174)- [X]

<ddubb> if there is no local area ID found, drop the load data.
<ddubb> or, in code form:
<ddubb> if (!getLAid()) dropLoad();
<ddubb> line 525 of software that ships tomorrow.
<ddubb> my work here is done.

#873360 +(1436)- [X]

Britt: I do have a boyfriend, his name's Scotty, and I touch him ;)
Frag_Fandango: Dare you to ask him for anal sex with the line 'Ream Me Up, Scotty'

#873365 +(595)- [X]

<Artifice> Most people using that logic probably would phrase it differently. "Digits" is a fancy word
<_kw> yeah, use 'numbers' instead
* MachinShi (~vat@cpe-76-95-36-105.socal.res.rr.com) Quit (Quit: Leaving)
<NoGods> Yup.
<JFalcon> really? "She used her digits to arouse herself" vs. "She used numbers to arouse herself".  One changes a simple pleasing into an orgy.
<_kw> you have a sick mind
<Artifice> Really? I was thinking math inclined librarian in the second one
<_kw> GOOD MAN

#873368 +(764)- [X]

<Soichiro> According to imdb, there was nudity, sex, much rape, and a haunted dildo
<Merines> I know what I'm going to be for Halloween now

#873373 +(6625)- [X]


#873379 +(1946)- [X]

<Gargantua> I use php and c
<twat> I use pcp and H.

#873382 +(3566)- [X]

<arkan> You know, you really ought to have a bra with 403: forbidden on it.
<Labyrinth> And you really ought to have a pair of boxers with 404: not found.

#873806 +(528)- [X]

<Y\N> irc is just a google frontend with more insults

#873929 +(463)- [X]

Mahnamahnah: mssql is to the linux tech what a butt plug is to the straight guy.......pointless, a laugh or downright offensive and in a nightmare situation a pain in the ass

#874125 +(483)- [X]

<Phoenix> what should i do a human factors research paper about?
<Neal> catgirls
<Phoenix> well, coincidentally I also have to do a Japanese thesis paper
<Phoenix> and writing about anime/manga/catgirls/mawaii would be not at all out of line with what all the other undergrads in the major are doing for their SENIOR THESIS, and so it's really no wonder that the department head no longer gives a flying fuck about any of his students
<Neal> my thesis is on why the escalation of power in dragon ball z is unrealistic
<Phoenix> with the exception of Goku*
<Neal> my thesis is FRIEZA SUX!!!!!
<Phoenix> Working from the equation PowLev(X+1) = PowLev(X) * 1.10, I find it illogical that two super seiyan's with respective levels 100,000 and 500,000 should be able to subdue another super seiyan with power level 750,000
<Phoenix> From that perspective, this paper attempts to repudiate the outcome of the Battle of Dragon Mount and propose an alternate ending to the Dragon Ball Z saga

#874140 +(786)- [X]

<QuackFuzed> you wont answer stupid questions posed by stupid people anyways, so what's the worry?
<[CJ]> i won't answer that

#874275 +(647)- [X]

(Bucks) do you hate midgets?
(@Fantasy) yep, I blame that evil midget in rehab
(refused) no rehab is complete without an evil midget
(@Fantasy) headbutted me in the balls
(refused) LOL
(@Fantasy) and he was the perfect height
(refused) rofl
(Bucks) rofl
(@Fantasy) his head was literally crotch height
(refused) who the fuck even does that
(@Fantasy) that midget
(refused) ... yeah obviously... but come on.
(@Fantasy) after you spend a month making midget jokes
(refused) lol
(@Fantasy) to a cocaine addict in rehab
(@Fantasy) then on family/friends day having all your friends make fun of his midget kind
(@Fantasy) he came up and said something like "stop shitting, dog"
(refused) you kinda deserved it then
(@Fantasy) I laughed
(@Fantasy) he said you want to start something
(@Fantasy) I said say it to my face
(@Fantasy) and LAUGHED
(@Fantasy) he headbutted me in the balls
(@Fantasy) I was on the ground
(refused) yeah of course
(@Fantasy) crying
(refused) I'd give that fucking midget a medal
(@Fantasy) so he squatted down and said "stop messing with me"
(@Fantasy) right in my face
(Bucks) what an wesome midget
(@Fantasy) had to get a new roomate after that
(@Fantasy) since the midget was my roomate
(@Fantasy) and since then I've been afraid of midgets

#874353 +(2978)- [X]

yetiamchosen: So the only part about this curse of recruiting potentials for the marine corps that isn't utterly miserable is fucking with the people that have already signed up. Now, we don't want to scare them off entirely, so we can't just sit there and be like, "You're going to die in bootcamp!" But we can be completely insane with each other in front of them, and let them draw that conclusion on their own. So we're told to take the poolees on a 1.5 mile run today. No staff nco's there, so we're like, "Fuckit. There's two recruits, there's eight of us ... four mile run." So we start running and I had just had a monster energy drink, the lo ball kind, which is red. That's a dumbass's recipe for disaster, but I really wanted one so I had one anyway. It dehydrates you, gives you cramps, and makes you puke. So we've been running like half a mile and without breaking pace I casually puke onto the side of the road, and keep running. Among marines this is normal behavior, so no one even says anything, but the recuruit is looking like, "Wtf, did that guy just puke without stopping?"
geekryan: lol
yetiamchosen: And he's like, "Dude! Are you alright!" I'm like, "KEEP RUNNING!" and I speed up a little bit, chuckling inside. And then it really hits me and I'm like, going full speed, just hurling all over the side of the road, wiping my mouth, running, hurling and he looks at the puke and he goes, "OH MY GOD ARE YOU PUKING BLOOD!"
geekryan: HAHAHAHA
yetiamchosen: And I go, "THAT'S NOT BLOOD IT'S CONFIDENCE AAAAGGGHHHHH!!!" And I just blast off like a little red streaming rocket ship. I look behind me and this kid seriously look like he's just about to piss his pants, like, "Oh my god, what the fuck have I gotten myself into?" I got up to the front and this marine looks at me and goes, "Were you really puking up blood?" I'm like, "No devil, it's monster," and he just laughs, he's like, "You're going to hell."
yetiamchosen: That's it. I was chuckling inside all the way home.
geekryan: that really is awesome
geekryan: I can't imagine how freaked out that recruit was
yetiamchosen: I hope he doesn't sleep well again until he gets to boot camp.

#874805 +(1359)- [X]

<MurderMachine> So did I ever tell you the story of how my parents met?
<DryBones> Nope.
<MurderMachine> Well, there are two versions I guess.
<DryBones> How?
<MurderMachine> The story my Mum tells is: A group of idiots pushed her over while ice skating and my Dad heroically went over and helped her up.
<MurderMachine> The story my Dad tells is: He paid a group of idiots to go push her over so he could go heroically help her up.
<DryBones> ROFL
<MurderMachine> I have been paid not to tell her.

#874923 +(875)- [X]

kawiz: being gay would be no problem with me
twins421: ..why
kawiz: its like... digging for water in a different spot in the desert
kawiz: sure, it's different... but you're still not gonna get any
twins421: ...............
twins421: wow
twins421: just ..wow
kawiz: i know
kawiz: i have profound analogies

#874972 +(424)- [X]

<Chris281>Dude, i had a really weird dream last night
<Chris281>I kept dreaming that all of my data was lost because my harddrives crashed
<Chris281>And my backups were nowhere to be found, so the situation was fubar
<Chris281>So I woke up, soaked in sweat and checked whether my backupjob was running
<Chris281>And it wasn't because for some reason the LTO drive was jammed
<Vantheman>It's the classic nerd-shining

#874987 +(1458)- [X]

<imp0rt> guys i got some new spanish neighbours anyone know some spanish?
<niiiiike> im fluent :D
<imp0rt> K can you help me say
<imp0rt> I would like to welcome you to our neighbourhood
<imp0rt> sounds cheesy i know but they got some hot daughter :P
<niiiiike> erm..
<niiiiike> Me gustaria chupar los senos de su hija
<imp0rt> You sreious?
<niiiiike> Yeh, got it off translater tho XD
<imp0rt> K ty :)
<imp0rt> brb daughter flirting time ;)
*** Imp0rt has Quit IRC (QUIT: getting spanish pussy)
<|t34b4gg1n|> That isn't right is it?
<niiiiike> Course not XD it means i wanna suck on you daughters tits ahahahha
<|t34b4gg1n|> You, sir are evil XD
about 10 minutes later
*** Imp0rt has joined #Rand
<imp0rt> Fuck you nike fuckin tellin me bullshit
<niiiiike> WHAT?!?! Man you must have pronouned something wrong
<niiiiike> cos like
<niiiiike> if you say "sen" "os" it means somethin like rubbish
<niiiiike> so you would've insulted their house
<niiiiike> its pronouned
<niiiiike> "sien" "yos"
<imp0rt> oh, i didn't know :\
<imp0rt> ima go tell em again, hopefully they'll understand
*** Imp0rt has Quit IRC (QUIT: 2nd time)
<|t34b4gg1n|> i almosts feel sorry for him
<niiiiike> not me.

#875076 +(23)- [X]

<@beastathon> 1440x2160, thats pretty big resolution
<@nondescript> why do you need a big resolution for child porn
<@nondescript> kids are pretty small

#875125 +(143)- [X]

<plot> like they think somethings wrong with being gay
<plot> so they join the preisthood to try to combat it
<plot> but give into their urges anyways
<plot> and their urges end up all over the face of a 12 year old alterboy

#875134 +(642)- [X]

chickcorea1357: i was so high that the fractal elves started asking me what the hell I had been smoking

#875247 +(1410)- [X]

<bossan> When I die, I want my last words to be some harsh call that will haunt some poor bastard forever. Like, just say to the doctor "your shirt is terrible; one of us will have to go", then die.

#875282 +(1827)- [X]

<Sebas> I want to start a band without drums or bass guitars. We'll call ourselves The Beatless.

#875367 +(494)- [X]

* Omnifrog finds a flat thing to pass out on
<pastafareye> Kansas?
<IronAngel> moms chest?
<pastafareye> Bush's EEG?
<pastafareye> Cheney's EKG?
<IronAngel> obamas abs?

#875590 +(659)- [X]

<_yoda_> I met two people from irc
<_yoda_> both were loser/weirdos
<_yoda_> the moral of the story is most ppl on irc are losers/weirdos
<amorfati> that's not really a large enough sample to draw any conclusions from
<amorfati> maybe you just got lucky
<amorfati> next person you meet might be a full-fledged psycho :D

#875634 +(3)- [X]

<MrEcho> Once I got out of the AF I stopped overclocking
< cor_vi> you lost the need, the need for speed?

#875652 +(863)- [X]

MisVampyre: i'm so outta questions....i'm horrible at asking them
rhys_rhaven: questions are cute
rhys_rhaven: but the real way to understand a person is simple
rhys_rhaven: you wind a cord around the top of the biggest pair of stairs you can find
rhys_rhaven: and then you wait till a person is about to walk down the stairs, where they will obviously trip and have horrible things happen to them
rhys_rhaven: and then you walk 20 feet way. and you put a thing of frozen bacon in a skillet
rhys_rhaven: and you make the skillet so it can only be heated by a locked drum underneath it, which can be lit only by a single pilot light, which you then line with det cord trailing to a small mortar next to it. which you fill with kittens
rhys_rhaven: hungry, meowing kittens
MisVampyre: oh. my. god.
rhys_rhaven: And lastly you put a timer on the  on the propane for  the bacon. So they have a choice
rhys_rhaven: save the person
rhys_rhaven: save the kittens
rhys_rhaven: or eat the bacon
MisVampyre: you're awesome
MisVampyre: omg..eat the bacon
rhys_rhaven: Thats it. I love you

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