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#884329 +(2001)- [X]

<+FHC_> why is it guns are legal in america but a school shooter will miss most of his targets, but guns illegal in germany and the fuckers hit everything they aim at
<@Sauce> american kids know how to strafe

#884374 +(-54)- [X]

<Richard> are muslim clerics sort of like... the pundits and talk radio hosts of Arabia?
<Richard> I think this may be the case
<Richard> they are like Rush Limbaugh with beards

#884444 +(1351)- [X]

thompson: The best engine in the world is the vagina, it takes any size piston, its self lubricating, starts with 1 finger, and every 4 weeks does its own oil change. It's just a pity the management system is so fucking temperamental.

#884534 +(1376)- [X]

<Shift_Wreck> OMG guys you gotta hear this
<Shift_Wreck> So i goes to the grocery store to pick up smokes and a frozen pizza.
<Shift_Wreck> I get my things and head to the 12 items or less line.
<Shift_Wreck> i get in line just as the guy in front of me is setting his items down on the conveyor belt thing
<Shift_Wreck> his items were: get this
<Shift_Wreck>  a box of condoms, a medium sized cucumber, a tub of margarine and a 12 pack of beer
<Shift_Wreck> I imediatly am thinking "lolwut?"
<Shift_Wreck> well i couldnt help but make that reverse nasal snort sound you make when your trying to keep from laughing.
<Shift_Wreck> well  i couldnt help but make that reverse nasal snort sound you make when your trying to keep from laughing.
<Shift_Wreck> oops
<Shift_Wreck> the guy and cashere must have heard it because they both turn to look at me
<Shift_Wreck> im grinning from ear to ear now and my eyes are darting from the guys face and the items he had on the belt
<Shift_Wreck> i catch the casheirs eye and i look at her and shes looking at me like 0_0 and shaking her head "no dont!"
<Shift_Wreck> this all was a few seconds but it felt like an eternity...
<Shift_Wreck> well i finaly says to myself: "shift, youve gone this far, may as well say something"
<Shift_Wreck> so i say to the guy (still with this huge grin) "going to a party?"
<Shift_Wreck> The girl just loses it and starts laughing
<Shift_Wreck> the guy just scowls at me
<Shift_Wreck> looks to the girl
<Shift_Wreck> and walks away leaving his items there at the checkout
<Shift_Wreck> it was kinda awkward
<Shift_Wreck> pizzas good though

#884782 +(1870)- [X]

<RST38h> When I bought 14.4kbd modem, TELNET and FTP became so lightning fast...
<jaem> what sort of lightning do you have where you live, then?
<lcuk> the sort that used to buffer before striking

#885012 +(2963)- [X]

SeanieG123: So the other day i was hangin out with some friends and i told them about this dream i had.
SeanieG123: It was a weird dream, and they all agreed and told me there was something wrong with me.
SeanieG123: Anyway, so then my black friend, brandyn, looks at me funny.
SeanieG123: So jokingly, I say to him, "what's wrong? don't you dream when you sleep?"
SeanieG123: He looks at me dead in the eye and says, "hell naw! last nigga who had a dream got shot!"

#885275 +(2388)- [X]

[Oni] FUCK!
[Oni] I'm just about out of black ink
[Krypton] printer?
[Oni] No, the type I disperse to run from predators.

#885541 +(941)- [X]

<echeese> Women are shitty programmers because they are emotional and irrational.
<echeese> Man: My program won't work, I must have written it incorrectly.
<echeese> Woman: My program won't work, the computer must hate me. Let's go shopping.

#885904 +(523)- [X]

Ironikx: If everyone jumped off a cliff, I'd go to the bottom and steal whatever was in their pockets.

#885924 +(1880)- [X]

killjay: Most embarassing internet moment?
killjay: Unknowingly cyber with a dude?
lemonlimeskull: Nope.
killjay: Knowingly cyber with a dude?
lemonlimeskull: Not as such.
lemonlimeskull: Though when I was a kid, I did try to run an ASCII image of a naked chick through a text-to-speech program, set to female voice.
lemonlimeskull: When she got to "colon colon colon period colon colon colon period period" the moment was gone.

#886198 +(393)- [X]

lizbunny11: actually, i respect microsoft developers
lizbunny11: it's hard to have your head up your ass and your nose in the air at the same time

#886709 +(1890)- [X]

linkraceist: my printer is being rather communist atm
necrokiss: lol, how so?
linkraceist: in theory, there is nothing wrong with it
linkraceist: but when i try to use it, everything goes wrong

#887444 +(902)- [X]

<Neo> so you know those peta campaigns, "I'd rather go naked than wear fur"?
<Neo> it's a pretty horrible idea when you think about it
<Neo> "stop eating animals or we'll keep showing you pics of hot chicks all naked like"
<Neo> yeah, brillant plan there guys

#887536 +(2954)- [X]

<@baka> anyone here ever eaten sushi off a naked woman?
<Sloshed> no thanks
<@baka> i'm intrigued
<@Sadrak> I'd volunteer to do the dishes

#889637 +(486)- [X]

<GoldyOrNugget> who would bother decompiling windows
<GoldyOrNugget> thats like breaking in to a top secret company to steal a mop

#890929 +(1137)- [X]

<amb> let's make a coloring book
<amb> and then sue kids for unauthorized derivative works

#891175 +(715)- [X]

* polykurt gets pissed off when seemingly simple programs have lots of dependencies on other    packages.  People are taught to worship the concept of software reuse, but they take it too far.  I should write a C library called libtruncate.  Every time somebody needs to truncate an array, they will feel obligated to use my library instead of writing five lines of their own code to do the job.  And I will make libtruncate depend on Gnome _and_ KDE _and_ JA

#891290 +(1416)- [X]

<@max> I wonder if uniball has ever thought of getting lance armstrong to sponsor their pens

#891596 +(1102)- [X]

<War> what's a spectral wolf?
<Herr_apa> It's the Fourier transform of a regular wolf, duh

#891926 +(504)- [X]

<a_passerby> vmware should really sell t-shirts
<a_passerby> they could call it vmwear

#892161 +(626)- [X]

<daveemt>: talk
<JoePike>: mmmmmffffgghhhhrrrrruuuuuggggg
<daveemt>: WTF was that?
<JoePike>: I dunno. A copy of Hellen Kellers Twitter post?
<daveemt>: jesus
<JoePike>: Yeah, hell will be warm

#892673 +(2631)- [X]

<Joule> I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.

#892785 +(1869)- [X]

<Narcissus> Dude I had a fucking crazy night last night
<Thomas> yeah?
<Narcissus> So you know how Jason is basically a crazy redneck?
<Narcissus> well we were sitting around drinking when he just pipes up "let's go hunting guys!"
<Narcissus> we're in the middle of the city, right, but we're sort of drunk, so me, Mike and Aaron go for it
<Narcissus> We head out to the park, drinking from the camelback of course, and see these fucking geese; Just hundreds of fucking geese sleeping by the river.
<Narcissus> we're just kind of stumbling around laughing, but Jason takes a fence post, UPROOTS the motherfucker, and just Braveheart charges this field of geese
<Narcissus> the geese start going apeshit as he's swinging like mad, just honking like crazy tearing up the river
<Narcissus> the three of us don't know what to do, but three generations of inbreeding sure as hell did.  The fucker cracks one of the geese over the head, and it's just frozen, sort of stunned
<Narcissus> without a second of hesitation, Jason grabs his dull ass pocket knife and just pounces on the goose, stabbing wildly, and let me tell you.. there's a fuckton of blood in a goose
<Narcissus> this thing is hemorrhaging  blood, completely covering him, but he keeps stabbing it
<Thomas> wtf dude? that's fucking nuts
<Narcissus> just listen, it gets worse
<Narcissus> We are completely dumbfounded, we don't know what the fuck just happened, but we're pretty sure it's extremely illegal
<Narcissus> we decide to wrap up the goose in Aaron's jacket and take it back to the apartments
<Narcissus> so we walk like 3 miles back, and take it to the field by the power station
<Narcissus> Jason's not done though, he takes his dull blade and SKINS THE MOTHERFUCKING GOOSE
<Narcissus> takes out the entrails, the whole nine yards, takes for fucking ever
<Narcissus> at this time Mike is turning pale, he's looking up all  the laws we'd broken, and he kept yelling about some security guard watching us
<Narcissus> I told him to stop being paranoid, but he wouldn't let up
<Narcissus> so he grabs the goose and just fucking chucks it, as hard as he can over towards the freeway
<Narcissus> needless to say we were pissed, but we weren't about to spend all night looking for that shit
<Narcissus> So we snuck home, drunk, hungry and defeated
<Thomas> Now that's a fucking adventure
<Narcissus> yeah, I know, but just imagine this episode of cops:
<Narcissus> four college age guys, drunk, walk out of a darkened field in the middle of a city at 3 A.M. after spending several hours working on something, and one of them is COVERED in blood, holding a dull, bloody knife, claiming to have just hunted, skinned, and then completely thrown away an entire goose
<Narcissus> you can't right better shit than that
<Thomas> I don't think we should ever hang out with Jason ever again
<Narcissus> Agreed

#892979 +(1550)- [X]

< koala_man> after some future breakthroughs in robotics, but before the price has gone down, there is likely to be robotic brothels
< mawlipe> robot sex? that's scary.
< koala_man> I know, that's what I thought
< koala_man> but according to my calculations, a condom of normal thickness has a dielectric strength of at least 780V
< koala_man> meaning if the robot runs on mains and shorts out, you're still protected with a margin of nearly 500V
< mawlipe> ..... not what I meant.

#893353 +(905)- [X]

<fishmech_> history books in a thousand years are going to be hilarious
<fishmech_> According to the great 21st Century philosopher xXx_SePhIrOtH127765_xXx,

#893378 +(848)- [X]

<Vinny> they should build another barad-dur
<Vinny> give sauron some depth perception

#893921 +(366)- [X]

< iKBerry> man thus driving and ircing thing rocks
< iKBerry> fuck brb getting pulled over
-!- iKBerry [~Fox@] has quit [jmIrc destroyed by the OS]
< iKitsune> so, fuck
< iKitsune> now i have a $250 ticket for reckless driving

#893952 +(526)- [X]

<billings> amazingly enough, putting my elbow on the keyboard isn't the proper syntax for this perl script. 
<jss> No, you need both elbows.

#894043 +(664)- [X]

<Logix> You know you watch too much porn, when you see a pussy and instantly know it's an asian pussy.

#894062 +(487)- [X]

<Chapdizzle> i fucking hate when people think guys should shave their chest. Its what makes us men, suck a fat dick. shaving bodily hair is for women. my chest hair serves multiple uses such as floss, fishing line, warmth, crumb catcher, and if i wanted i could pull a shitload of it out and make a net to catch small animals or fish

#894261 +(53)- [X]

<Kir> I have an idea!
<Kir> I'm going to play a game about underage black members of the community engaging in various acts of vandalism of public property in their quest for a deeper understanding and spiritual enlightenment.

#894290 +(1192)- [X]

Thunderscreech: My nephew just got his black belt in Tae Kwan Do yesterday. Note: Apparently, it's not entirely accurate to call the ceremony a 'bar mitzvah for ninjas'.

#894334 +(642)- [X]

<BobbyJenkins> Any GLBT fellow Scots going to the Pride Scotia March at the end of this month in Edinburgh?
<Sensationalism>  I take it you are going? If I go to any Pride events this year, it'll be my first. I'm excited!
<BobbyJenkins> I was going to but I found out I've got work.
<Lost-Chances> Call in gay.

#894335 +(165)- [X]

<Chi>: So we went to the pool hall last Wednesday...
<Chi>: I ended up paying for everyone when we finished.
<Chi>: Everyone asked how much it cost afterwards.
<Chi>: I told them that I used my Asian powers to get no charge.
<Chi>: Then on our way down the stairs...
<Chi>: I jumped onto the carpet in front of the door and exclaimed...
<Chi>: "Okay Abz, time to use your Arabian powers to fly us home!"
<Chinh>: did it work?
<Chi>: No, the carpet was black.
<Chinh>: zing!

#894350 +(540)- [X]

< derrida> my autocmd might raise a few eyebrows =)
< scrooloose> given the amount of vim fetishism in here it may raise more than that

#894351 +(365)- [X]

<Sick_Silent> I think IRC is making me more USAian.
<Sick_Silent> Perverted, racist, sexist, retarded, dumb and lazy
<ATXTheKiller> You forgot fat.
<Cosbydaf> *a tears runs down my cheek as I gaze into an American flag waving in the sunset, while eating Mcdonalds and watching a shitty movies*
<Sick_Silent> Oh I forgot! No taste for good food

#894484 +(696)- [X]

<echoplex> do you type by throwing chopsticks at a keyboard that is spinning or something?

#894647 +(4133)- [X]

<NimF> The lesbians next door bought me a rolex for my birthday.
<NimF> I think they misunderstood when I said I wanna watch...

#895093 +(633)- [X]

<Metroid> GODDAMN
<Lemming|> chill out
<Metroid> yay 7chan is back
<Faer> did anyone else notice Metroid's fierce unrestrained rage was just calmed down by CP

#895141 +(2115)- [X]

Connor: Firefox 3.5. Download it.
Andrew: Give me the top 5 reasons to download it.
True: In iambic pentameter
Connor: For private browsing, tear-off tabs and then some,
Connor: Download Firefox three point five and see:
Connor: It's using Gecko one point nine point one,
Connor: And over twice as fast as Firefox three.
Connor: Pwned.

#896077 +(2023)- [X]

<XenThra> I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
<DevXen> Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

#896406 +(1427)- [X]

Marshall: A friend of mine knows a band from his hometown who played on one of the ferries that go between Finland and Sweden. When they were about to board in Stockholm, the Swedish equivalent of the DEA shows up with dogs and everything, so the guys in the band freak out 'cause they've (obviously) got their dope with them. After a few minutes of "fuck maaaan, what're we gonna do maaaaan!?", one of them goes to a Wal-Mart type store and buys a little remote-controlled helicopter. They proceed to plant the stash on it, leave it on the quay, board the boat and then use the remote to fly the drugs onto the ship

#896407 +(56)- [X]

< cunt^chocula> I think there will be Michael Jackson sightings the way there are Elvis sightings now

#896498 +(509)- [X]

<USMarine> if someone +v's me, how do I talk?
<USMarine> i have the mic plugged in obviously
<USMarine> do i have to push a button or something

#896530 +(1328)- [X]

<Catonic_lp> What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
<opticron> superman
<m0j0-j0j0> Superman
<Catonic_lp> Christopher Walken

#896740 +(203)- [X]

<silicate> shit, it looks like it's gonna be sunny on saturday
* Zally glares at you
<silicate> that's not good ... for reasons, that would require a much un-needed and long story
<Zally> hmm, ya ill take your word for it?
<silicate> yeah, i don't feel like explaining it
<Zally> Its all good
<Zally> I dont feel like pretending im interested

#896918 +(-173)- [X]

<ianazza> jay you know if im wireless yeh
<ianazza> well my son has broke his linksyst wirless adaptor
<ianazza> can he use a usb memory stick while he gets a new adaptor#
<JayR> a memory stick for what?
<ianazza> to go wirless
<JayR> a memory stick os for storing files on
<ianazza> well to get on net
<JayR> a memory stick is a memory stick m8
<ianazza> Oh i thoguht you cud use it as a flash drive or watever to get on net
<ianazza> using my wireless connection
<JayR> he in same house?
<ianazza> yeh
<JayR> he got a wireless dongle?
<ianazza> no he broke it
<JayR> no then
<ianazza> ok ta
<JayR> hows the wireless signal gonna get to his pc without a wireless card ot dongle?
<ianazza> thought you could save the wireless connection to usb memeory stick put it in his comp and presto
<JayR> £aughing My ¬ss ’ff
<JayR> no m8

#897655 +(3662)- [X]

<Josh> I don't understand why churches and 'family groups' spend millions of dollars a year on abstinence-only instruction when a World of Warcraft account only costs fifteen dollars a month and has a much better record of ensuring virginity.

#898225 +(1390)- [X]

<Funzo> can any of you guys speak french?
<Time-Warp> i can
<Time-Warp> i know how to say bongshure
<Time-Warp> or something

#898997 +(860)- [X]

ian: I've remembered the password....
ian: felt like Gandalf stood outside Moria
ian: uttering every password I could remember from the last 5 years

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