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#899042 +(520)- [X]

<Nicowl> Read on a Rohypnol packet "Best consume before date"

#899702 +(518)- [X]

<vartopia> you're not an alcoholic til you're drinking nail polish and listerine
<vartopia> that you shoplifted

#899865 +(861)- [X]

serpentine9: why doesnt bash.org ever accept my quotes
DaveIt: bash.org has a strict policy of only accepting quotes that are either unoriginal or related to bash.org-rejection-induced frustration.
DaveIt: This quote happens to be both, so we have a decent shot.

#899898 +(637)- [X]

Alex: So I was in the doctors yesterday, when my time came a large woman walked out of his room and I walked in. He said 'God bless her, I just confirmed to her that
      she was morbidly obese.'
Alex: I wasn't too sure what to say, but replied 'You shouldn't have told her that, the poor woman has enough on her plate.'

#899957 +(191)- [X]

<sparks333> no see, women in engineering are like parking spaces
<sparks333> the good ones are taken and the rest are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay out there
<pikachu> or handicapped

#900016 +(960)- [X]

thrasher: I'm thinking of starting a business in california
thrasher: it would be a socialist abortion clinic and pot dispensary, with new gay marriage chapel
kthxglhf: And dry cleaning
thrasher: why dry cleaning?
kthxglhf: so u can reuse coat hangers

#900148 +(5722)- [X]

* Vesper is now known as CodyB
<Teku> why the nick change?
<CodyB> I'm teaching this hot chick how to use IRC
<xanatos> ...why
<CodyB> I got grounded for two weeks and I can't call anyone. I figured I could talk to her here, at least.
<CodyB> be cool, I'm teaching her about channels and she might come in here
<xanatos> how did you get grounded
<CodyB> I locked my sister outside for three hours.
<xanatos> i bet she didnt like that
* StacyF has joined #randomshit
<CodyB> yeah I thought my parents were going to kill me
<CodyB> oh hey, there you are
<Teku> So you had sex with your sister on your parents bed and they walked in on you? Wow Cody, you're lucky you only got grounded for two weeks.
<StacyF> eeew you sick fuck
* StacyF has left #randomshit
<Teku> I know you're going to kill me later, but it was so worth it
<CodyB> you motherfucker

#900639 +(779)- [X]

(ndrj): anyone good with sound tech here?
(ndrj): if i put a pair of cheap mp3 headphones in my PC i get lots of buzzing/electric noise, but if I put decent/expensive pair in i don't. what is it that removes this, what should I be looking for when I buy a pair? :P
(decx): the sennheiser logo

#901201 +(3180)- [X]

<DrBob> You'll never get it. Men weren't meant to understand women.
<Odin> not true.
<Odin> I've managed to solve for the fundamental logic operation of women.
<DrBob> It's just best to let them do what they want, so they'll let us do stuff to them.
<Odin> Nono let me explain.
<Odin> Women are fundamentally amplifiers.
<Odin> Anything you give them expect to get back multiplied
<Odin> give them money you don't have in the form of a credit card, expect a huge debt
<Odin> give them a little love, and they'll give you a lot of love back
<Odin> give them a little DNA in the bedroom
<Odin> and they give you a baby
<Odin> So if you give them crap, you'd better be ready to recieve a ton of shit

#901460 +(2914)- [X]

<Stormscape> Yo dawg we heard you like Macs so we only put one pedal in your car

#901660 +(1700)- [X]

<Andries> jesus if i can run this myspace page i could probs run crysis

#901989 +(-102)- [X]

Bkblood: Im such an idiot.  There was a quote on bash of someone asking a stupid question and i looked for 30 minutes trying to reply to it :/

#902013 +(1192)- [X]

<Jelena> Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver.

#902229 +(820)- [X]

Connecting to server...
You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say hi!
Omegle is not a dating site. Please try to have interesting conversations here!
Stranger: [Omegle is required to tell you that you are chatting with a registered sex offender. This message cannot be viewed by Stranger.]
Stranger: Hey
Stranger: I'm horny
You: So it is true what they say about you?

#902527 +(228)- [X]

<Error1355>: Cows can feel pain, emotions, depression, etc just the same as us, so why do we have the right not to be hurt and incarcerated and they don't? What makes us so special? If it is our ability to *think* then babies and mentally handicapped adults should have no rights either. Why the discrepancy?
<or_something>: well im going to start eating retarded babies to make that person feel better

#902573 +(1161)- [X]

<Random> No one knows what it's like .. to be the bad man
* Nebi has kicked Random from #deltaanime (Sorry to interupt but I just wanted to say what Beyonce had one of the best video of all time)

#902611 +(505)- [X]

<Jared> HI Alpha!!!!OMFG ITS S GOOD TO HEAR FROM YOU....HOW WAS YOUR DAY???
<AlphaLemming> I'm frightened.
<Jared> what. im being 'chipper'
<AlphaLemming> no, you're being psychotic
<AlphaLemming> it's a slightly different font

#902659 +(426)- [X]

<TheJoeMan> requested old boss as facebook friend, i wanna see what happens
<TheJoeMan> maybe she'll finally realize that i'm not on drugs and am actually like that normally

#903172 +(1460)- [X]

insomniac: why is it that if you grind corn up into mush, eat it, it shows up as a full kernel in the toilet a few days later?
Steelix: He's right.
insomniac: what happens in my stomach...
mindule: insom: that's very interesting
PixelGuru: damn
PixelGuru: i pity you when you eat applesauce
insomniac: haha

#903345 +(1275)- [X]

SayLo2MyLilFren: dude im a genesis
ctnpinciotti: ?
SayLo2MyLilFren: i found out how you can get by port 25 blocking
ctnpinciotti: you're a what?
SayLo2MyLilFren: i did it on my cousins computer
ctnpinciotti: wait...
ctnpinciotti: you're a what?
SayLo2MyLilFren: ?
ctnpinciotti: genesis?
SayLo2MyLilFren: ya
ctnpinciotti: ah ok, it all makes sense now.
SayLo2MyLilFren: what?

#903604 +(832)- [X]

<stc> Pray to God every morning that you can live.
<Salman> you should also take a shower every morning so that others can live.

#903635 +(871)- [X]

<Merrick> Only reason I ever payed attention in economics was so I could learn how to merchant in Runescape

#903821 +(1262)- [X]

<StanM> Pussy is like MP3s
<StanM> For every one who pays for it, theres thousands more getting it for free.

#904034 +(1084)- [X]

<yalborap> So there're these 'don't start forest fires' commercials telling me to get my smokey on. And all I can think is "If an anthromorphic bear in a pair of jeans and one of those ranger hats comes up and tells me not to set stuff on fire, I probably already did".

#904257 +(-31)- [X]

<olaf> there's a retarded kid who picks up coins
<olaf> well did when we went to high school
<olaf> he would stop for even a penny
<olaf> well, my girlfriend at the time had a huuuuge collection jar
<olaf> and she brought it to school one morning
<olaf> so we could put them all over the place
<olaf> and we walked outside to where he was hanging out
<olaf> and i pretended to trip and fall
<olaf> right in front of him
<olaf> and the coins went FUCKING EVERYWHER
<olaf> but not only did he pick up all the coins
<olaf> he would pick them up 1 at a time
<olaf> every time he bent over
<olaf> he was there for fucking EVER
<olaf> and then my little sister and my friend zac
<olaf> on one of the days i was suspended
<olaf> superglued a fucking quarter and put it on the ground
<olaf> and it got stuck to his hand
<olaf> and he was swinging his hand around screaming in his tard voice
<olaf> and, apparently
<olaf> everyone and their god damned mother laughed for ever
<olaf> yeah, i'm a shitty human so what
<||bass> you're my hero

#904301 +(4615)- [X]

<massacre> Rosti, can I ask you something as a close friend?
<Rosti_LFC> you could ask me something as a complete stranger, but go ahead
<massacre> Do you reckon Emma would go out with me if I asked her?
<Rosti_LFC> errr....
<Rosti_LFC> ask her yourself?
<massacre> no fucking way until I get a second opinion
<Daz> dude she's in the channel
<massacre> no she isn't
<Rosti_LFC> yeah she is mate, look up
<Rosti_LFC> she got op'd yesterday
<massacre> fuck
<massacre> PLAN B
<massacre> spam the channel
<massacre> with text
<massacre> so it goes
<Audia> hi
<massacre> off her scrollback
<Rosti_LFC> ahaha
<massacre> FUCK
* massacre has quit (PLAN C!!!)
<Audia> I'm going to go install Windows 7 right now
<Audia> so I'll be offline for a bit
<Audia> if he gets the balls to come back in here in the meantime tell him the answer is yes
<Rosti_LFC> rofl
* Audia has quit (QUIT)
<Rosti_LFC> that was some hardcore nerd courtship ritual right there
<Daz> Oh man, I wish I could fuck up asking a girl out that badly and still succeed

#904636 +(562)- [X]

<jman2050> I'm not a fan of the software direction Sony is taking with the PS3
<jman2050> but the console itself is good
<Davidion> I swear they're just chock full of bad business decisions as of late
* Shinobi_Arsenal (123@dork-F08770BF.dsl.bell.ca) has joined #GA
<Davidion> even when they take a good step forward they can't but help to take one back
<Shinobi_Arsenal> can only be talking about sony
<Davidion> rofl

#904755 +(1343)- [X]

<~Cor> you know though
<~Cor> how sometimes you get in that mood where romance is out the window and you just want to shove your dick in something?
* ~Cor is in one of those moods
<&K> I call that mood "awake".

#904758 +(2464)- [X]

<RetardedMonkey> How would you pronounce this child's name?
<RetardedMonkey> She spells her name..... "Le-a"
<RetardedMonkey> This child attends a school in Livingston Parish, LA..
<RetardedMonkey> Her mother is irate because everyone is getting her name wrong.
<RetardedMonkey> She says it's pronounced.................
<RetardedMonkey> "Ledasha"
<RetardedMonkey> When the Mother was asked how in the world did she figured it should be pronounced that way....... she said....
<RetardedMonkey> ..."cause the dash don't be silent!"
<RetardedMonkey> English language is gone forever

#905679 +(779)- [X]

themuffinman217: so what are the specs on your new system?
themuffinman217: did you benchmarck it?
Treeko: 16khz processor
Treeko: 7 bytes of ram
Treeko: 100 bits of harddrive space
Treeko: a 16x16 monochrome display
themuffinman217: qort36i16[okf[23
Treeko: and the audio can do beeps in both high pitch AND low pitch
themuffinman217: so... dell?

#905833 +(524)- [X]

chrismat: Oki offtopic question. If a laptop bluescreens during first install, and then when you are using it what is the cause?
DBuzz: windows

#905874 +(2255)- [X]

<Phyxius> Hmm there are some black people hanging around outside the gates at the end of my driveway, brb
<Courtney> mkay hb
<Phyxius> HOLY SHIT THEYRE GONE
<Courtney> The black people?
<Phyxius> NO, MY GATES

#905885 +(79)- [X]

<+Dr_Link> SSL certificate: $30.
<+CoJaBo-Aztec> Dell mainframe server: $1.
<+CoJaBo-Aztec> Discount cupon: -$80,000.
<+Dr_Link> Getting hacked by a POST injection: Priceless.

#905920 +(-513)- [X]

<+Djiem> There, I'm troll-baiting my whole MSN friendlist
<+Djiem> "Oh shit, know what's happening December 2012 ?!?!"
<+Djiem> And if anyone asks me what, I'll say "I turn 30"

#906256 +(2254)- [X]

<popemichael> I was in line to buy a new DVD player. The woman in front of me was having something delivered.
<popemichael> The clerk asked for her 'street name' she replied "I don't have one I go by Shanice."

#906902 +(822)- [X]

Alex: A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room. "Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says. "I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."
Alex: The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well. "Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

#907014 +(1259)- [X]

Sherri: A man comes home and shouts "Honey! Pack your bags! I just hit the lottery!"
Sherri: She screams "OMG! What should I pack?"
Sherri: He says, "Everything! Get the f*** out!"

#907021 +(1763)- [X]

<Jesus> a black baby died and went to heaven
<Jesus> and god looked at him and said, "you've earned your wings"
<Jesus> and gave the black baby wings
<Jesus> the black baby look up and said, "am i really an angel now"
<Jesus> and God looked down and said,
<Jesus> "HELL NAW, NIGGA, YOU A BAT"

#907600 +(-218)- [X]

<+ekolis> I remember the IT support guy at school gave this HUGE presentation about laptop batteries
<+ekolis> and how you should not even THINK about using your laptop for a presentation until you make sure the batteries are ok
<+ekolis> because if it blows up and damages all the fancy new projectors...
<+ekolis> then your parents will not be happy
<+ekolis> not just a dead kid, but a huge projector bill too

#908184 +(10214)- [X]

<Twig> I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how it's unfair that if a guy fucks a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl fucks just two guys in a year, she's a slut. So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock. That shut her up.

#908573 +(2392)- [X]

<Rainman> god, my head is killing me, must be the maths classes
<Darkduck> you should drink up an aspirine with some vodka and smoke some weed
<Darkduck> that'll definetly take care of it ;)
<Rainman> dude I'm still at school
<Rainman> where the fuck would I get any aspirine ? :o)

#908942 +(402)- [X]

<@parasyte> I went straight on to my room, where I expected my nice, big bed. So I opened the door...
<@parasyte> ...and saw my sister riding her fat friend
<@parasyte> My first thought was: "wow, she got tits yet " My second on was: "Wow, he got 'em too"

#909427 +(2228)- [X]

<@moss> oh jesus
<@moss> its 6 PM
<@moss> not am
<Tiq> XD
<Tiq> What have you missed, moss?
<@moss> uh... wednesday
<Tiq> HAHAHA

#909558 +(531)- [X]

<@sxh> newest contract requires "presentable" employees
<@sxh> i don't see how they could expect to find a gq model that also happens to assemble network infrastructure

#909853 +(3250)- [X]

Crimson_Judas: I overheard this chick at lunch talking to a friend
Crimson_Judas: About how she had to terminate her pregnancy when she was young, and now that she's ready for children she can't get pregnant
lemonlimeskull: Classic case of ABORT, RETRY, FAIL.

#910034 +(1929)- [X]

<popemichael> I'm thinking about drinking a little tonight too. It might make my pain pills work better.
<jamie> Isn't there a "do not take with alcohol" warning on your pill bottle?
<popemichael> It's okay, I took it off.

#910091 +(795)- [X]

<+Qaizar> damn, i just can't win an argument with my girlfriend
<@foD> There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

#910094 +(539)- [X]

<mitkok> Hey, guys. Is there an easy way to split an array of 100 integers for example and write 3 numbers per line separated by whitespace into a file ?
<Izhido> #include "realeasyfunctions.h"  /      Split100intArrayWrite3xLineWithWhitespaceInto(FILE* f);

#910098 +(739)- [X]

<Pahricida> and I never want to get rickrolled again by my alarm clock
<Linds-inClass> ROFL
<Linds-inClass> radio clock?
<Pahricida> yeah
<Linds-inClass> hahaha
<Pahricida> it woke me up with a rickroll
<Linds-inClass> that is pure awesome
<Linds-inClass> XD
<Pahricida> :S
<Pahricida> not if it happens to you
<Pahricida> you're like
<Pahricida> ztZZzzZzz
<Pahricida> "NEVER GONNA GIVE YOU UP NEVER GONNA LET YOU DOOOOOOOOOWN!"
<Pahricida> "AH SHUT THE FUCK UP"

#910103 +(2039)- [X]

coke420: Woo! Just reached lvl 60 on a 3rd character for WoW!
LexaDead: Great timing on that, I was just looking for a virgin to sacrifice.


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