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#920557 +(725)- [X]

<Bubbles>What are you, fucking 15 years old?
<Spoons>no, im fucking 15 year olds ;]

#921122 +(773)- [X]

<sho3boy_kixx> What's the difference between jam and jelly?
<kwistlebear> wht?
<sho3boy_kixx> I can't jelly my cock down your throat

#921134 +(2978)- [X]

thefinalcutter83: According to CNN.com: "Iranian missile may be able to hit U.S. by 2015."
SpaceInvader455: That's one slow fuckin missile.

#921144 +(1199)- [X]

bp: how did my collar get popped
bp: srsly my neck felt weird so i felt it and my collar was popped without any physical intervention from me
esch: you have a douchebag poltergeist

#921147 +(533)- [X]

<@tdfischer> friggin landlord finally cached my check
<+ajanata> tdfischer: I would think the proper analogy is they finally flushed the buffer the check was in :p
<+ajanata> caching the check would make things worse
<@tdfischer> 'doh
<@tdfischer> thats a pretty awesome typo

#921297 +(1314)- [X]

<Mike> So I have a Skype forwarding enabled for my cellphone, so any phone call made to me on Skype forwards to my cellphone. It's a couple bucks a month, so why not.
<Mike> Anyways, I am studying with my friend beside me and I see Skype on my computer start ringing. I didn't want to answer with my computer so I picked up my cellphone and told my friend "One second, taking a phone call" without thinking about it.
<Mike> My phone rings 1 second later, I answer it, walk out of the room.
<Mike> Didn't realize how much of a psychic hero I looked like to my friend until I left the room. Looked at my friend through the window who is sitting like O_O

#921355 +(275)- [X]

reconnection: that is because in canada you can leave your doors open and michael moore can burst in at any time
reconnection: ... that was when they started locking doors

#921395 +(1615)- [X]

<Aussie> I was listening to some girls talking in a video store.
<Aussie> And one of them was saying that she had failed her learners permit because she had used both hands to change gears.

#921416 +(817)- [X]

Phil: C++ is java's uncle that never comes to visit, and had half his face blown off when he stepped on a landmine, also he's a pedophile.
Phil: But he's the industry standard.
David: and runs much faster
Phil: He has to be able to run fast, he's a pedophile.

#921418 +(750)- [X]

<+Merrick> Ugh
<+Merrick> I gotta work tommorow...
<+Merrick> I hate my fucking job
<+Merrick> I HATE IT
<+FDR> are you a priest?
<+Merrick> No an altar boy

#921435 +(926)- [X]

Milamber: hopefully that will get him outa trouble
Mick: yeah because that was in the top 20 of worst wiring jobs
Mick: nothign will beat number 1
Milamber: no. 1?
Mick: ooh that was amazing
Mick: it was a corolla
Mick: painted blue and red with housepaint outside
Mick: with green wheels
Mick: inside was painted blue with rattlecans including the seats
Mick: there was rubbish and rotten food on the ground as high as the bottom of the seat
Mick: the radio was a tape player that he wanted replaced with a clarion cd tuner
Mick: tape player was held in with winnie blue cig packets, some bandaids and chewing gum
Mick: to get the old one out they had smashed the dash
Mick: it was wired up with bits of house wire and extension cords
Mick: they had hacked a hole in the firewall to run the power for the radio straight off the start motor
Mick: which the wiries were sticky taped onto the starter motor
Mick: the speakers in the back were sitting on the shelf being held in by just the force of their own magnets as it had no parcelshelf
Milamber: woooooow did you just tell him where to stick it?
Mick: I threw up from the smell in the car on the workshop floor
Mick: gene had to help me up
Mick: he called the customer who was told to go home and burn the car
Milamber: ROFL

#921445 +(41)- [X]

<+DarthWario> I do believe I am fully justified when I say fuck my dad.
<+DarthWario> He made me uninstall xchat. So it's back to mibbit.
<+DarthWario> He installed iTunes on my laptop so my mum could register her iPhone (as my proper computers iTunes is fucked. By his own hand, no less.) and he saw the xchat and mIRC icons on my screen. He called them 'dirty' and made me uninstall them.
<&Azathoth> he called them..dirty?
<+TomBrend_> IRC is a dirty dirty place...wretched hive of scum and villany if I've ever seen one.

#921792 +(1435)- [X]

<Thomas> if women think they arent meant to cook
<Thomas> why do they have milk and eggs inside them?

#922730 +(694)- [X]

<Flibberdy> thank fuck my wife's period's finally over. Stupid biological mechanisms required for reproduction.
<fantasyprone> Flibberdy, try being the one bleeding from a very private crevice
<fantasyprone> believe me it sucks at least as much for her as for you
<Flibberdy> fantasyprone: Oh, she hates it too, don't get me wrong. Honestly I'm glad it's over for her sake not mine
<Flibberdy> Left her bed bound quite a few days
<fantasyprone> though it does entertain me to play war paint in the shower
<fantasyprone> BLOOD EVERYWHERE WOO

#922982 +(3350)- [X]

lemonlimeskull: So I'm sitting in Hardee's (Carl's JR for anyone here one the west coast)
lemonlimeskull: This huge African American dude sits across from me at the booth. Plenty of tables around, of course, since this is Hardee's.
lemonlimeskull: Since I don't usually have uninvited guests at fast food restaurants, I'm naturally a bit put off while simultaniously wondering what the deal is.
lemonlimeskull: The guy goes "Hey, man what you do for a living?"
lemonlimeskull: I must've looked really confused, but I manage to answer "Game designer... Why?"
lemonlimeskull: The guy sits there for a good thirty seconds, looking out the window over my shoulder.
lemonlimeskull: Then he finally looks me straight on and says "Good, lemme ask you a question..."
lemonlimeskull: "Why don't Pacman wanna eat eyes?"
lemonlimeskull: I just gave him this really quizzical look, then he gets up and leaves.
lemonlimeskull: After a few seconds of wondering wtf that was all about, I look out the window over my shoulder and see about five police cars slowly driving off into the distance.
lemonlimeskull: The worst part is...... WHY doesn't Pacman wanna eat eyes?!

#923967 +(-28)- [X]

BLUMAN: how many stances are there for warrior??
sleepah903: 3
BLUMAN: rly??
sleepah903: battle, berserk, defense
MING FAN: 4 theres battle, defensive, berserker and jew stance
BLUMAN: hmm
Sxechris: jew stance gets you cheaper reagents, repairs, and you can lower buyouts on auctions without the sellers consent
BLUMAN: ...lawl
Sxechris: you take more fire damage though

#923968 +(15)- [X]

<thomas> you know why Santa's always jolly?
<ani> no
<thomas> He knows where all the bad girls live.
<lonewolf> do they empty his sack for him?
<lonewolf> I'd be grumpy if I only came once a year though
<thomas> LOL

#924371 +(1309)- [X]

< k5egg> the fucking oil spill is several hundred times larger than AT&T's 3G coverage...
< n1lqj> Unlike AT&T the oil spill is guaranteed to cover everyone

#924578 +(3027)- [X]

< gordonjcp> I'm trying to enjoy the vuvuzela concert and some prick keeps playing football

#924892 +(2502)- [X]

<Outpost> I love how everyone is blaming Obama for the oil spill..
<AnnoDomini> It's actually the British.
<Outpost> yeah, you'd think British Petroleum would've made that known.
<AnnoDomini> See, Americans dumped English tea into Boston Bay.
<AnnoDomini> The British, after biding their time for 237 years, have struck back.
<AnnoDomini> YOUR MOVE, AMERICA.
<Outpost> ...I am so in love with you right now.

#925050 +(3664)- [X]

< Andys> oh dear
< Andys> in ruby, symbols are represented with a prepended colon
< Andys> eg.   :flag
< Andys> so some guy tshirt that said ":sex"
< Andys> which everyone at railscamp knew meant "Sex symbol"
< Andys> he wore it until someone pointed out that to non-rubyists it said "Colon sex"

#925399 +(287)- [X]

<kurogane> "Research suggests that women with larger breasts are more intelligent than their less well endowed counterparts, with the larger breasted women studied having an I.Q. some 10 points in excess of those with smaller breasts.
<kurogane> "The Chicago researcher (who confessed to herself being an A-cup), conducted a sociological study in which she took a sample of 1,200 women, divided by breast size into five categories: extra-large, large, medium, small, and extra-small.
<kurogane> who funds these 'studies'
<CindiK> Juggs magazine
<kurogane> is that a science journal?

#925452 +(379)- [X]

<TheM-netbook> yeah, "god" is a concept more than an actual thing or state of being
<+chaosisorder> Like Duke Nukem Forever?
<TheM-netbook> haha
<TheM-netbook> god is vaporware

#925453 +(301)- [X]

<<UT> ho//\rzd> just an option:
<<UT> ho//\rzd>  you tell me where your sentence ends, that would help. ;D
<F3AR | Bailey> i
<F3AR | Bailey> broke
<F3AR | Bailey> my
<F3AR | Bailey> space
<F3AR | Bailey> bar
<F3AR | Bailey> lol

#925461 +(593)- [X]

Draketh: I got a piercing last night
Draketh: and I don't really regret it even though it was a decision made totally under the influence
Finn: ...
Draketh: so we're sitting around another fire blowing things up since it's the 4th and drinking, I walk over and sit down and the topic is piercings so we start talking, eventually it shifts to genital piercings
Finn: ...
Draketh: I mentioned always being interested in a prince albert, and this girl that was there that was like a friend of one of my cousins friends or some shit
shes like "I work at a piercing parlor, I have all my shit in the car I can totally do that right now"
Draketh: It was legit, like steralized tools in sealed packages and everything, bowl of alcohol to soak the tools in, she wore gloves.
Draketh: It was like being at a piercing parlor
Draketh: Except I was in a big ass comfy patio chair with a bottle of Makers
Finn: I just.... I don't think I could ever let someone shove anything through my penis
Draketh: actually I think it's gonna be hilarious
Draketh: like I have no tattoo's, no other piercings and then like BAM "Suprise!"
Draketh: it's like opening the plain brown wrapped gift on Christmas, and instead of a sweater it's a new laptop
Draketh: see, the laptop is my dick
Finn: .... just.... wow

#925464 +(2126)- [X]

<yajmele> Oh my god....I was fooling around with my boyfriend the other night....
<yajmele> Right when I grabbed his cock, we heard the "get item" sound from Legend of Zelda. 
<yajmele> It's apparently his e-mail alert on his phone.
<yajmele> It took us 20 minutes to stop laughing.  The timing on that was impeccable.

#925489 +(24)- [X]

<+fuji@2ch> Basically, he and his second wife, not my mother, got in a fight.  He kicked her out and started drinking massively.
<th0r> ah, fuck alcohol >.< one of the worst materials we ever created
<+fuji@2ch> He spent awhile sitting alone in the house with no food and few hundred scotch bottles.
<th0r> That's crazy... how's everything now?
<+fuji@2ch> He basically fried out his brain,and went crazy and started building a fort in the middle of a busy street.
<th0r> ... what? Seriously?
<+fuji@2ch> yeah, no kidding.
<th0r> That sounds more like something a paranoid schizophrenic would do...
<+fuji@2ch> Yeah, well maybe there's some other issues going on.

#925490 +(520)- [X]

< Nooblender> on an unrelated note i had to wake up early after staying up late to have breakfast with my hot nieces, so i went to sleep at 8 pm but woke up at midnight, wtf
< that_guy> on a related note do you realize how creepy 'hot nieces' sounds?

#925493 +(351)- [X]

<Party> asians are cool, it's the closest your ever gonna get to fucking an alien

#925495 +(-4)- [X]

<dux0r> giving head must be weird as fuck
<moot> lol
<dux0r> cause uve got like
<dux0r> a pee utensil
<dux0r> in ur mouth
<dux0r> like a chunky hotdog
<moot> xD
<dux0r> what a weird thought
<sudo> your penis is like a chunky hotdog?

#925505 +(303)- [X]

<JPierre> Helping noobs on IRC who refuse to listen is an all-too-common waste of time.
<biznatch> It's like you have this talking horse
and the talking horse says "I'm thirsty"
then you lead the horse to some water
and it still won't drink.
<PVicky> Simple solution: slaughter it for the meat.

#925507 +(696)- [X]

<windAd> haha, epic.
<Choonsen> What is?
<windAd> I set my password for my new keylogger program once it was up and running, got distracted by cooking ramen, came back and forgot the password
<Choonsen> Shit dude... you're retarded
<windAd> Noo, its all okay... I just went into the log files and found out what I typed while in the program. Two minutes later I now know that my password was 'ramenalmostdone'

#925509 +(1089)- [X]

<Gper>Anyway, mates what's your New Year resolution?
<PowerBuddy> Gotta learn harder >.<
<RoznaM> Less porn, more chicks.
<Gper> Hej, Z, what's yours?
<Ziame> Thought about 1280x960

#925516 +(79)- [X]

<Ardennes[Q]> fat people lag.
<guyman> lol
<Deviant> so your mom must have dced when she gave birth to you
<khagin> lmao

#925768 +(1017)- [X]

<M3rlin-> what is the legal age to buy alcoholic in england ?
<p5Ds13a06> you can't buy alcoholics
<p5Ds13a06> but if you wink the right way, some of them will follow you home for free

#925789 +(-25)- [X]

<@The_Happy_Chemical> Nigga I know you have, I could name some song that was created 10 minutes ago by a hobo bashing his face off a dumpster and you'd have heard it

#925793 +(1761)- [X]

<Rei> who lived in a pineapple under the sea, SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS
<Rei> who died in an oil spill because of bp, SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!

#925835 +(1425)- [X]

<pronto> i like my women how i like my filesystems ... FAT and 16

#925847 +(724)- [X]

<livin> your cousin is a titerope walker, rite?
<luckyest> he committed suicide by jumping off during a performance two months ago.
<livin> maybe he was a bit *imbalanced*
<luckyest> you're a dick, you know that right?

#925919 +(1019)- [X]

SpicyLemon: Jesus died for my sins.  I figure, it's best to not let him die in vain.  I sin as much as possible.

#926329 +(4408)- [X]

<N00b>Can someone explain cell division?
<Nerd> o
<Nerd> 0
<Nerd> 8
<Nerd> oo

#926559 +(906)- [X]

< Stalin> You could put out ads in magazines and online and such, guaraunteed 25-30 lbs weight loss overnight or your money back
< Stalin> and then send them instructions on how to amputate one of their legs

#926566 +(489)- [X]

<tic`zZz> I was lovin that pussy while she was lovin this dick, I was shovin it in her while she was yellin dont quit
<MGS-_-> Then you realized you were dreamin that shit - in real life your a no-pussy gettin prick

#926627 +(3247)- [X]

<Javelin> Oh.
<Javelin> My.
<Javelin> God.
<Javelin> We have a unit here.  It's about the size of a small speaker.
<Javelin> In big letters across the front of it, it says "DATA DESTROYER."
<Javelin> Some idiot comes into my office just now, and asks, "hey, what is this thing?"
<Javelin> I say sarcastically, "it's a DVD polisher..."
<Javelin> Next thing I hear:  *GRIND GRIND GRIND* "WHAT THE FUCK?!?!"
<Javelin> Now they're pissed at ME.
<Javelin> Because THEY couldn't read.
<Javelin> Besides, it's not like I gave them PERMISSION to use MY "DVD Polisher."
<Javelin> I hate people.

#926695 +(1288)- [X]

Aquillar> hey, you guys ever play kmem russian roulette?
Agnostos> I don't believe I have. care to explain the details?
Aquillar> dd if=/dev/urandom of=/dev/kmem bs=1 count=1 seek=$RANDOM
Aquillar> keep executing until system crashes
Aquillar> person that crashes system has to buy beer
Agnostos> lol
Agnostos> I wonder if I can sneak that into a server startup script here.

#927499 +(901)- [X]

<GOD|away> Crackheads will rule this country! We will rise up! And teach you all that we are the superior race...
<GOD|away> WHITE POWDER!

#927751 +(1895)- [X]

<rdubyaj> dude this car I saw....
<rdubyaj> was really dusty
<rdubyaj> and someone had written on it "I wish my wife was this dirty"
<rdubyaj> and underneath that someone else had written "she is"

#928168 +(259)- [X]

<Xnoia> I chose to believe that argument drove him to drinking.
<Xnoia> And I chose to claim that a victory.
<@RWolf> And you chose to speak in past tense.
<Xnoia> I do.
<@RWolf> did.
<Xnoia> Damn it!

#928475 +(648)- [X]

Matoyak: We caught a catfish with some weird-ass face tentacles...
Matoyak: That's the best way I can describe these things.
Tru: lol
Tru: I thought weird-ass face tentacles was a defining characteristic of catfish...
Matoyak: It wasn't like whiskers...these things were half as long as the fish itself, and almost as thick.
Matoyak: Heh, these were above and beyond the call of duty for catfish face tentacles.
Matoyak: Weird-ass sunovabitch.
Tru: hehehe
Tru: mutant
Matoyak: Yeah. It was big enough to keep, but we tossed it back cause we weren't going to eat something that looked that fucked up.
Tru: if  you eat a mutant catfish, perhaps you get mutant catfish superpowers... I wonder what those would be?
Matoyak: ...
Matoyak: The ability to become a bottom-sucking scum eater?
Matoyak: Hrmmm
Matoyak: So you become a politician.

#928768 +(887)- [X]

TRex-o: I want to settle an argument.  Am I an invasive species?
sjackso: invasive species reproduce


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