#928788 +(1323)- [X]
R4V: I really want to learn some C++
R4V: but the problem is
R4V: that there seems to be months of learning
R4V: before you can do ANYTHING usefull.
Shrum: it's kind of like a highschool girlfriend
#929420 +(40)- [X]
< Utopiah> did a native English speaker recommended you this nickname?
< handjob> No. This is my mother's desktop. The nickname is taken from username.
#929424 +(4)- [X]
<earth|drawing>: I've had sex on my period before xD
<earth|drawing>: that guy didn't mind tho.
<earth|drawing>: but he was a pig, so yeah.
<FW>: You had period sex with a WHAT?!
<earth|drawing>: okay, I'm NOT IMPLYING that I had sex with animals, RIGHT? D:
#929905 +(2467)- [X]
<MindSpark> So the officer stops me and asks for my license and registration
<MindSpark> After handing them to him , he asks who the car belongs to
<MindSpark> I tell him it's my wifes
<MindSpark> He asks if I have an authorization, because you have to have some proof that you're allowed to ride a car that's not yours
<MindSpark> I go "Sir, I ride the OWNER of this car personally with no authorization, do you really expect me to have an authorization to ride her car ?"
<MindSpark> Officer hands me back the papers in silence and salutes me
#930436 +(935)- [X]
<@bhaak> commit early, commit often
<@bhaak> kids, that is only sound advice for programming, not for marriage!
< kerio> there's no rollback in marriage, only blame
#930784 +(488)- [X]
<mindbomb> anytime anyone refers to themselves as a 'foodie' I want to knock their fucking teeth out
<mindbomb> oh you like to eat food that tastes good? congratufuckinglations
<mindbomb> blog about it
#930885 +(2824)- [X]
<@whm> "A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his ass. The doctors described his condition as stable."
#931223 +(621)- [X]
<Cthon98> so I waited until my friend bought a box of timbits and got back in the car
<Cthon98> (timbits being "donut holes" or whatever you yanks call them)
<Cthon98> and just as he was about to bit into one, I say
<Cthon98> "you ever notice how those look just like creamy shaved nuts?"
<Cthon98> so I now have a free box of timbits.
#931621 +(1468)- [X]
<Kasran> did Jesus heal a bunch of people? Possibly
<Kasran> also apparently he was sin-free
<Kasran> but we don't hear much about his ciildhood
<Kasran> it's just
<Kasran> 1. Birth
<Kasran> 2. ???
<Kasran> 3. Prophet!
#932225 +(871)- [X]
<axle345> I mean seriosuly guys holocaust jokes aren't funny
<axle345> Anne Frankly, I won't stand for it.
#933542 +(859)- [X]
<Brianith> They're the same type of people that think because I know computers, that I'm a hacker. And because I'm a hacker, I can use a computer to tell their refrigerator to sprout legs, walk to me, and tell me their credit card numbers.
#934304 +(1797)- [X]
<Pwnz0rz> What do you guys do after sex?
<D3v1lm4n> i like to cuddle with her
<Haxorz> i leave
<Dragneel> i Bury her again
#934554 +(1155)- [X]
<Vigrel> Woah, if my shit was a nuke aimed at Hiroshima, Russia would get blown up
<Kor1413> It was That big?
<Vigrel> No, i missed.
#935407 +(-132)- [X]
<dipstick> I see uranus
<DoubleDragonIII> they discovered a new planet, its so huge that earth seems as small as a golf ball
<DoubleDragonIII> its called urmom
#936597 +(996)- [X]
Stranger: I'm Mary. What's your name?
Stranger: So, Eric, where are you from?
You: USA, you?
You: Your name is Mary? That's not a Chinese name.
Stranger: My Chinese name is Xiong Chaofeng.
You: Alright, Mary it is...
#936686 +(318)- [X]
<bahithnko> Girls are like Golf
<Moogle> whats golf
<bahithnko> Its a game where you gotta get your balls in a hole without hitting them much
#936782 +(1089)- [X]
<+Kilonum> DID I MENTION I WAS MOLESTED? I'M PRETTY SURE I DID, ONCE OR TWICE, BUT YOU DID NOT OFFER TO DISCUSS THE MATTER WITH ME. LET'S HAVE A NICE QUIET DINNER AND HAVE A FRANK DISCUSSION ABOUT MY MOTHER'S BOYFRIEND'S DONG AND HOW HE PUT IT IN MY MOUTH AND ASS NOW AND THEN. ANYWAY, I'M CLEARLY THE VICTIM HERE AND THAT'S WHY I DON'T SUCK DICK. HOPE YOU UNDERSTAND.
<+Snickers> ... o.O
<+Kilonum> wrong paste
<+Wormdundee> when is that ever the right paste
#937078 +(2055)- [X]
<Pongball> Religion is like a penis.
<Pongball> It's fine to have one.
<Pongball> It's fine to be proud of it.
<Pongball> But please don't whip it out in public and start waving it around.
<Pongball> And PLEASE don't try to shove it down children's throats.
#937383 +(1486)- [X]
<woodenleg> what should i get my gf for her birthday?
<spherXz> your virginity
<woodenleg> lol, something i haven't already given her?
<spherXz> an orgasm
<woodenleg> i'll ask someone else...
#937420 +(386)- [X]
<xved> I turned on some trance radio, and now I want to code
<thomashc> I turned on Laura Pausini and now I want to fap!
<Tekk_> I turned on glen beck
<Tekk_> and now I want to die
#937505 +(4)- [X]
JerrysCatTom: whenever i get out of the shower i have a habit of writing... well... drawing things in the mirror for the next person to see.... dinosaurs, ghosts, monsters, you know the usual... but this time, i went to the bathroom, and my mom had just taken a shower... so i look at the fogged up window, and write "look down" with arrows pointing downwards. we have the curtins covering the lower half of the window, so after you pull them aside you see another ghost with sharp teeth saying, "BOO!!"... god my parents are gonna think i smoke pot... :/
#937563 +(1188)- [X]
<Kattar> jesus christ my dish washer sounds like it's going to explode
<Kattar> I have never heard a dish washer make sounds like this before
<Arkantos> Better take her to a hospital
#937945 +(870)- [X]
Yarrow: Ok, this is weird. My sim brought a friend home from work. They turned out to be very compatible, and are now making out...
Prince_Herb: What's weird about that?
Yarrow: They're still wearing their work outfits and are llama mascots for the local sport team.
#937988 +(1649)- [X]
<+ChubZee> i was watching telly this morning before i went to work
<+ChubZee> and there was a discussion on about a charity that deals with teenage pregnancy
<+ChubZee> which is a huge problem in the uk
<+FCN|M0rlock> i can imagine
<+ChubZee> and they're advocating anal sex as a form of contraception
<+ChubZee> (which i'm all for)
<+ChubZee> and their tag line is "one up the bum and you won't be a mum"
<+ChubZee> i was almost dying laughing
#938534 +(347)- [X]
Brendan: my logger isn't working :-/
Brendan: yeah, 666 fixed that
Tim: the devil, you say
#939691 +(629)- [X]
Venificus: Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
#940278 +(981)- [X]
<neeraj_rct> It sucks having to explain to your computer-illiterate friend why you just typed ``man unzip''.
#940365 +(1099)- [X]
<raylu> Ubuntu is an African word meaning 'I can't configure Debian'
#940376 +(257)- [X]
< Spanky> google doesn't seem to understand my need for naked people to be inside my cake
#940694 +(862)- [X]
<@JackD> ooh, a app store on its way for windows :) how nice
<J700> it's called piratebay
#941619 +(403)- [X]
<cabooserwar> usr/bin/Laden: command not found
#942220 +(1567)- [X]
<BreakneckXan> My sister asked me where Nicaragua was
<BreakneckXan> I said 'central america'
<BreakneckXan> She said "Oh so it's like around Kansas somewhere?"
<BreakneckXan> I see a brass pole and body glitter in her future...
#942362 +(958)- [X]
<sparkhost> are you alive ?
<sparkhost> it might be zombies as well
<sparkhost> is 1+1 = 2 ?
<roman> 1+1 = 3 use condoms
<sparkhost> personality hash accepted
<sparkhost> welcome Roman :D
#942461 +(488)- [X]
<Magicka> wtf my carrier sucks my dick
<Xerei> mine doesn't even touch me
#942468 +(40)- [X]
<DragnFly> You know, what we need is a room of all american chatters. Since people are always quiet on IRC anyways, we can call it "American Idle" :p
#942841 +(2008)- [X]
<Lt_Tinkle> i have my mincraft log viewable as a webpage
<Lt_Tinkle> and someone did html injection
<Lt_Tinkle> by talking inside minecraft
<Lt_Tinkle> and made it redirect to meatspin
<Lt_Tinkle> when i find out who it was
<Lt_Tinkle> i shall make them an op
#942979 +(879)- [X]
<sandor> to a certain extent I prefer guys over girls. Guys rather punch you when you say something wrong, but with women you have to find out first what you did wrong, then apologise, then explain why you are a bastard, and then buy her a gift
#943371 +(-31)- [X]
<@jackc> I had a VHDL nightmare last night
<@jackc> I was dreaming about VHDL right
<@jackc> and I moved a little and my stuffed alligator touched my elbow
<@jackc> and I FREAKED and for some reason the dream was like VHDL MONSTER ATTACK
<@jackc> and I sat up and was trying to figure out which parts were reality
<@jackc> and all I could figure out were VHDL, elbow, alligator
<@jackc> I was so confused
<@jackc> that's what I get for reading VHDL textbooks in bed
#943687 +(531)- [X]
<king-vegetunks> im 13 now
<king-vegetunks> im older
<king-vegetunks> more machur
#943694 +(462)- [X]
<+Darkfire> sup nigz
<&Macko> Sup racial slur
<&Macko> how the fornicate are you?
#943758 +(788)- [X]
<xtal> I am a trekker. I am a devout fan, but not enough to spend all my waking hours sewing costumes, assembling prop replicas, going to conventions, learning klingon, quibbling over the finer points of canon, and not having sex.
<xtal> which is to say
<xtal> while i'm not having sex anyway
<xtal> it's not star trek's fault.
#944007 +(410)- [X]
<@Scootz> i just realized i left 'erection after death' in my google search bar when i let my dad use the computer
<@Scootz> and it's different now
#944205 +(150)- [X]
Nero: You can put a cow in a dress but it's still a cow...
Ish: I know we have a lot of cows in my school.
#944370 +(735)- [X]
Shere Khan: kill all humans
jager: I for one welcome our new robotic overlords!
Shere Khan: I for one zero zero one zero one one
#944652 +(420)- [X]
<Gibby> let me get this straight
<Gibby> you got drunk with, then fucked the (maybe) underage daughter of a sheriff, then stole her clothes and went home a crossdresser?
<Gibby> that's all kinds of awesome
#944719 +(857)- [X]
<truefalse> I was at the bus stop and saw a poster of Voldemort with 'HP 7' printed on it.
<truefalse> Kind of spoils the ending when you know he's low on hit points.
#944801 +(528)- [X]
<dave> so i was driving.. too fast
<dave> some female officer took me off the road
<dave> so i asked "how much?"
<dave> she: 40 bucks
<dave> me: alright, get in
#944959 +(1265)- [X]
you there... the guy from Australia using BigPond and spamming junk into the submission queue along with ads for some stupid weeaboo site.
KNOCK IT THE FUCK OFF IF YOU WANT TO BE ABLE TO EVEN VIEW THIS SITE!
#945035 +(360)- [X]
<+izua> !toolbox.lmd5 639bae9ac6b3e1a84cebb7b403297b79
<@nanobot> Result: you
<+izua> !toolbox.lmd5 a181a603769c1f98ad927e7367c7aa51
<@nanobot> Result: all
<+izua> !toolbox.lmd5 a195a27d1c96dbc7ea4aa9928d914673
<@nanobot> Result: suck
<+izua> !toolbox.lmd5 9268d0b2d17670598c70045b0c7abf38
<@nanobot> Result: cock
#945148 +(33)- [X]
gstridg: When I die, you are allowed to make all sorts fun about it, because I will be dead and I will not mind, so long as you do it in a manner that does not upset my surviving family.
gstridg: That said.
gstridg: Universal Studios presents: AMY WINEHOUSE AND MACHO MAN RANDY SAVAGE: A MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN.