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#948442 +(1212)- [X]

<blaxthos> so tonight i got roped into going to some evangelical church christmas dinner theatre
<blaxthos> "oh christmas, carol!"
<cue> evangelicals are morons
<blaxthos> it was absolutely godawful
<blaxthos> until the last musical number, where the main character realized she has a hole in her heart
<blaxthos> and sang a song entitled "i'm going to fill my hole with jesus"

#948538 +(719)- [X]

<girl> so what's new?
<jsn> just got out of an abusive relationship
<girl> whoa, what happened?
<jsn> decided to stop abusing her

#948541 +(1417)- [X]

<drunkill> fuck printers
<drunkill> I should name mine Bob Marley
<drunkill> Because its always jammin'

#948683 +(657)- [X]

<Yokujou`> iPhone autocorrect: Because "Asperger's Cock" is exactly what you were trying to convey.

#948693 +(622)- [X]

<mrfun> speaking of max, i boned a duck
<hamumu> are you sure you're speaking of max?
<mrfun> took most of yesterday to bone and do two anims, geez
<mrfun> but he's limping around in torque
<hamumu> this is sounding worse every sentence

#948884 +(1886)- [X]

<&Siyo> i successfully stopped a print job once
<&Siyo> AM I GOD?

#949197 +(5183)- [X]

<blaxthos> you want bash.org should participate in the SOPA blackout protest on 18 January ? (+) for yes

#949214 +(993)- [X]

<azonenberg> wordpress is an unauthenticated remote shell that, as a useful side feature, also contains a blog

#949335 +(227)- [X]

<M07w> you haven't been on the internet until you've seen a disembodied breast wearing a pair of panties

#949412 +(938)- [X]

<Kerrija> On my income tax 1040 it says 'Check this box if you are blind.' I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.

#949439 +(1293)- [X]

lemonlimeskull: Newt Gingrich or Mitt Romney to take on Barack Obama.
lemonlimeskull: We have to stop letting George Lucas name our Politicians.

#949486 +(480)- [X]

<Me> the nigerian prince scam is old
<Me> today you do it like this:
<Me> hi, im an arabic dictator, and i have to get my vast fortune outside the country soon

#949560 +(2582)- [X]

<lrvick> whoa
<lrvick> i just found a usb magstrip reader
<lrvick> i never knew i had
<lrvick> i wonder if it works like a keyboard...
<lrvick> %B4744740232448132^VICK/LANCE R^1506101000000000087800878000000?;4744740232258132=15061010000000000878?
<lrvick> well
<lrvick> damn
<lrvick> apparently it does
<Science> What did we just read?
<lrvick> no comment
<Science> CC info, gotcha
<ThantiK> lrvick...
<ThantiK> you swiped a VISA...
<ThantiK> 4744 is VISA start code for credit cards.
<ThantiK> A bank of america one, specifically.
<ThantiK> Might wanna change that now, lol - all of us probably have IRC logging turned on.  You just threw your debit card info into all of our machines.

#949621 +(2930)- [X]

Rachel: I'm board.
Jeff: I'm chalk, we should get together.
Rachel: BOARD! Like I don't have anything to do, not BORD, like a chalkbord. Learn to spellcheck.
Jeff: Oh god I hope you don't breed.

#949643 +(1161)- [X]

<hafiz> <b>hello</b>
<hafiz> I NEED ZEND EXPERT!!!!!!!!!!!
<zomg> <blink>that so</blink>
<DASPRiD> <marquee>what for?</marquee>
<zomg> <font size="1337">Please ask your question on the channel, not in my PM</font>
<zomg> I really, really hope his irc client actually displays html

#949797 +(1214)- [X]

<@cougem> at 4am this morning i got a call from another hospital saying they were sending in a patient with a hole in their aorta
<@cougem> which as emergencies go is about 1 level below 'his head has fallen off'

#949802 +(380)- [X]

<hq1> i promised myself not to touch java EVER in my life again, i'd rather drive a taxi

#949924 +(-24)- [X]

<Grimhound> You know. You'd think that the human body, being the product of millions of years of evolution, would eventually learn to dull pain when it becomes a chronic thing.
<ryzorg> that seems true
<@AndrewPH> that would be counter productive

#949959 +(3438)- [X]

<DevXen> Today I was at the store and saw a Darth Vader action figure that said "Choking Hazard." It was great.

#950581 +(1774)- [X]

< Ergo^> Six Stages of Debugging
< Ergo^> 1. That can't happen.
< Ergo^> 2. That doesn't happen on my machine.
< Ergo^> 3. That shouldn't happen.
< Ergo^> 4. Why does that happen?
< Ergo^> 5. Oh, I see.
< Ergo^> 6. How did that ever work?
< MatthewWilkes> 7. svn blame
< miniwark> 8. one day we will write tests

#950832 +(651)- [X]

<benjameno> how do i catch autism
<benjameno> i've tried speaking esperanto and using free open source software but it doesn't seem to be working

#950879 +(338)- [X]

* Andaith has changed topic for #warble to: "Drought in the UK means:  It's still raining, but not as much as we'd like."

#950902 +(867)- [X]

<TrailMix> Sorry Santorum, you have to carry your dead presidential campaign to full term.

#950920 +(1224)- [X]

<Uprising> I just want to work somewhere that actually counts
<jamesstanley> try the office for national statistics

#950944 +(768)- [X]

<Toba> i like my coffee like i like my women: earthy, french, and on my desk at work
<nightshroud> But be careful or you may end up with burning pain on your lap area.

#950977 +(1023)- [X]

<hextasy> so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

#951001 +(1392)- [X]

<@Kropotkin> I hate looting corpses for anything other than an upgrade. I usually just loot the gold and small items... just feels more realistic to do that than strip someone naked all the time. I mean, this is Skyrim, not Baltimore.

#951040 +(304)- [X]

<mjew1>  new speakers showed up
<mjew1>  gotta figure out how im gonna wire them up
<bunni>  you put + in to +, and - in to -
<mjew1>  i know that
<bunni>  dont mix them up, otherwise the audio would be backwards
<mjew1>  fuck you
<bunni>  :D

#951043 +(-59)- [X]

< pthreads> dude, I haven't even had a fucking oven for a year                          
< pthreads> we move in 2 weeks to a place that has an oven finally
<@sakuramboo> but, you live in germany
<@sakuramboo> after WW2, ovens are hard to find

#951096 +(371)- [X]

<izi_> I like my servers like I like my women. monochrome and text only.

#951217 +(471)- [X]

<i_c-Y> im not just hard. im np hard, baby.

#951260 +(664)- [X]

<mgodzilla> I was a r&d micro electronics engineer tech. in my youth.
* mgodzilla designed this dc to dc power supply they put on a satellite
<Elephark> awesome
* mgodzilla sent the satellite into orbit and lost contact w/ it
<Elephark> at least it was powered
<mgodzilla> they said it was mostly likely due to a power issue.
<Elephark> ...oh
<mgodzilla> I was like - what are you lookin' at me for?!?

#951292 +(8)- [X]

xGrill: SQL is like the chess of the programming world

#951317 +(1023)- [X]

<ram> I got into an interesting discussion with my roommate yesterday about Quantum Romneyism
<ram> Romney holds a superposition of all political opinions until you observe him, then they collapse based on the audience.

#951402 +(796)- [X]

*** bluntonio is now known as bluntplane
<bluntplane> i have the worst goddamn neighbor on this plane
<bluntplane> dude keeps scratching his fungus-infected foot and shit
<bluntplane> and his balls
<bluntplane> and then touches his face
<bluntplane> has his legs crossed so his shoeless-foot is dangerously close to my leg (wearing shorts)
<bluntplane> i'm about to tell him if his foot touches me again we're going to have a problem
<bluntplane> in civil disobedience protest i am attempting to fart a lot
<bluntplane> he is so fucking nasty
<bluntplane> i want to stab him in the throat
<bluntplane> a lot
<bluntplane> as in, i both want a lot to stab him in the throat
<bluntplane> and i would like to stab him in the throat a lot
<bluntplane> i would also be okay if he died of aids
<bluntplane> or anything else other than a plane crash
<bluntplane> but most especially by a stab to the throat
<bluntplane> stab(s)
<bluntplane> oh and he is now picking his nose
<bluntplane> oh fuck me
<bluntplane> here is the crown jewel
<bluntplane> dude just went into the bathroom in his socks
<bluntplane> I HOPE YOU DIE
<bluntplane> i would piss in this guy's face if i could
<bluntplane> i would piss in his wife
<bluntplane> if i murder this fuck, will you guys kick in for bail ?
<bluntplane> also, is "he needed killing" a valid defense ?
<bluntplane> and finally, if I murder him on the plane while in the air, what state has jurisdiction ?
*** Signoff: bluntplane (Read error: Connection reset by peer)
<spook> Federal
<nordberg> so.. is bluntonio in jail?
<nordberg> cause...  I'll totally chip for bail

#951442 +(92)- [X]

<Goune> the other day i saw the headline : 'woman beats off rapist' and i thought.....
<Goune> that seems like a reasonable compromise

#951697 +(1008)- [X]

<m0bi_work> what is the "care for the comfort of a dying person" called
<hydro-> euthanasia
<Chaosbreaker> Microsoft terminal service

#951798 +(889)- [X]

<LocalDescriptorTable> Hey Russia I just met you and this is crazy but our space agency is broke launch our shit maybe?

#952942 +(1051)- [X]

<dr2chase> As I said to someone else, back when the Lite-Brite Mooninites panicked the Boston Police, the first rule of making a bomb, is to not make it look like a bomb.
<dr2chase> That's why IEDs get buried, stuffed into dead dogs, what have you. Around here, if you wanted to hide a bomb in plain sight, you'd stick it in a crumpled Dunkin Donuts bag.
<anony> Isn't a Dunkin Donuts bag the first place a cop would look?

#952943 +(809)- [X]

* dagdamor psychs himself up to play "which cable goes where" and "why is this cable routed like this?" ahead of a switch stack replacement
<dagdamor> deja vu etc
<evil_steve> you can generally tell if it's important.
<evil_steve> either a) all the phone start ringing at once, or b) all the phones go silent at once

#952948 +(1265)- [X]

<gmaxwell> 1960: "I have a great idea! lets have every person in the country carry a radio tracking beacon!" "That'll never fly!"  2012: "I can has TWO iphones??"

#952951 +(1447)- [X]

<zalzane> I wonder how long it will end up taking for all this pony shit to blow over
<Mutagene> too long
<pkmnBlue> 2 years
<zalzane> sailor moon took like 10 years
<zalzane> and every once in awhile I still hear fags harp about sailor moon
<pkmnBlue> DUDE
<Mutagene> sailor moon was good though :(
<pkmnBlue> Kuraitou: SAILOR MOON
<zalzane> oh my fucking god

#952952 +(1272)- [X]

< CoJaBo> Update: The object seen landing near Gale Crater on MSD 49,269 at around 05:50:16 AMT local time has been conclusively identified by the Martian Space Agency to be a weather balloon.  Due to possible radioactive contamination, Mars citizens are forbidden to approach Gale Crater until further notice.

#953085 +(127)- [X]

<swarthy15> I'm sweating like Gary Glitter in Mothercare

#953113 +(79)- [X]

<@Faer|afk> what is good dubstep
<Rashy> dialup modem

#953150 +(250)- [X]

<rad_ed> NOOOOOO i didn't want to do that no no no no
<Sharkd> what?
<rad_ed> i added honey boo boo to my google news section
<rad_ed> no no no no how do i undo

#953205 +(433)- [X]

*** valinhorn has joined #oregoons
<coyo7e> Immediately, she realizes that Christian Grey is not some ancient forty-year old dude, practically crumbling to dust atop his icy blonde empire, but a very hot young man:
<coyo7e> So young - and attractive, very attractive. He's tall, dressed in a fine gray suit, white shirt, and black tie with unruly dark copper colored hair and intense, bright gray eyes that regard me shrewdly.
<coyo7e> That... is one hell of a tie. I'm going to have to ask someone, please, look into the kindness and the goodness of your soul and photoshop me a picture of a black tie with Robert Pattinson's hair and eyes stuck on it, gazing at me shrewdly.
<valinhorn> um
<valinhorn> wow
*** valinhorn left #oregoons []

#953228 +(86)- [X]

Felix the Cat: Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; that which cometh out of the mouth defileth a man.  (Matthew 15:11)
Felix the Cat: huzzah i can continue to suck cocks
mr peabody: you read the bible a lot
mr peabody: for being a heathen who is going to hell
Felix the Cat: all i know is apparently the bible says swallow, don't spit
Felix the Cat: A+ advice imo

#953373 +(632)- [X]

(~roopurt) there is an article on the washington post "why is the arab world so easily offended"
(~roopurt) i think it might offend the arab world
(~roopurt) but really
(~roopurt) one person puts up a youtube video and they riot and kill
(~roopurt) the rest of world didnt come after canada after justin biebers last video

#953413 +(5001)- [X]

<%wgluv2hunt> I was in a bar Saturday night, and had a few drinks.
<%wgluv2hunt> I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, "Hey, are you two ladies from Ireland?"
<%wgluv2hunt> One of them screamed, "It's Wales you idiot!"
<%wgluv2hunt> So, I immediately apologized and said, "Sorry, are you two whales from Ireland?"
<%wgluv2hunt> That's all I remember.

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