#242 +(2091)- [X]
<McMoo> An infinite number of monkeys, on an infinite number of typewriters, will eventually produce the collected works of Shakespeare. John Romero's Daikatana was a ten-minute, five-monkey job.
#889 +(331)- [X]
<InVerse> That's the problem with the emulation scene.. not enough females for a chick fight.
#1809 +(193)- [X]
<DMC[ijcd]> I cut holes in my pockets to masturbate in public
#3341 +(505)- [X]
<MicroChip> ok, so who's gonna win the superbowl?
<Chucker-away> the Yankees
<bishop> the sox
<MicroChip> you guys are so female
#4421 +(281)- [X]
<moira> yoinkster is like the humpback of notre dame cathedral, except no humpback, and it's the ogg vorbis cathedral, and he keeps ringing the bells yelling unintelligible things about how ogg owns your mom
#6932 +(59)- [X]
<Nelson> duh; try not to make getting blown the entire meaning of your existance
#7606 +(376)- [X]
<oof> so did you get together with your family for easter?
<_p> no, my family hates god.
#7772 +(233)- [X]
<ph^pr0phet> i got kicked in the balls earlier in the summer
<chaowork> by a chick?
<Booger> try to NOT do that
<Booger> or wear a nutcup
<chaowork> u need to learn to stand sideways when u hit on em
#8249 +(407)- [X]
* IllIIIllI (email@example.com) has joined #suicide
<IllIIIllI> any slut attention whores here need a man to make themselves feel important let me know i can be that guy if you aren't ugly/fat
* IllIIIllI (firstname.lastname@example.org) has left #suicide
#8317 +(561)- [X]
<cov\sick> Solitarie almost never crashes. They should employ the person who wrote it to head the WinNT team.
#10469 +(278)- [X]
<hep> husbands girlfriend EXTREMELY annoying
<Ach|medicated> damn husbands, and their whiny girlfriends!
<Ach|medicated> (number 37 of The Big List of Things You Never Expected to
#10793 +(107)- [X]
<CrushWork> hes got that "im a barbarin caveman who eats snails and says ooga booga" style look to him
<Jed> "I'm a barbarian caveman that eats snails, says ooga booga and lays cable for a living"
#12143 +(359)- [X]
<PrincessLeia2> he's not my step dad, he's my mother's new husband
<PrincessLeia2> that way i can say that my stepbrother that i dated isnt really my stepbrother
#12407 +(1098)- [X]
<Ixnorp[Regenerating]> I think I've found an excellent unit of size measurement. It's the 'I could kill you and hide your body in it' unit. People usually become very quiet after you say, "yea, I could kill you and 3 other people and hide the bodies in this"
#12444 +(215)- [X]
<Knamel> but its basically "I may not be the best looking guy in the room, but i'm the only one talking to you" <Knamel> And i follow that line up with "Comon baby, happiness is only a light switch away"
#13405 +(504)- [X]
<Synikal> i do lawns
<mikeyjone> plz no sexual preferences
<Synikal> i do like 2 every day almost
<mikeyjone> one day you'll answer the door and a small blade of grass will be there saying "daddy?"
#13605 +(323)- [X]
<SarahS> With my large internal capacity to hold water, and your creative igeniuty, we can rule the world!
#14600 +(213)- [X]
<Wilik> i'd download the .txt version of the bible
<Wilik> but it might corrupt my computer
#15353 +(2790)- [X]
<Hvatti> MY CAPS-LOCK IS ON AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT OFF.. CAN ANYONE HELP ME???
<[DoD]Xiao> typ capslock button :P
<aegis> Hvatti: hold down shift while writing instead...^^
<Hvatti> hey that shift-thing works thx!!!
<Hvatti> but it*s pretty difficult to write while holding a shift:::
<Lilly-> Hvatti find "caps lock" key and press it once
<Lilly-> number 3 from bottom left
<Hvatti> where can i find it
<Tiger> hehe :D
<aegis> at the left of your keyboard
<Hvatti> ok thanx::
<Hvatti> YES IT WORKED!!!
<aegis> apparently it didn't
<Hvatti> CAN I NOW RELEASE THE SHIFT?
<aegis> you have to release the shift.
<Lilly-> omg how sweet !!
<Hvatti> like this?
* Lilly- faints
<aegis> yep, just like that
#20761 +(106)- [X]
<lewney> I remember being wasted last night; I went to the bathroom and shared an asla with some other guy
<lewney> cause there was a long queue
<lewney> to the bathrooms...
<lewney> yes, I'll shut up now.
#22366 +(416)- [X]
* ClusteR- is away [log: on]
<Icecream> What script are you using?
<ClusteR-> I don't use any script
<Icecream-> So did you just type /me is away [log: on] or what?
#29402 +(431)- [X]
<misogynic> Senor: tell me, is your mother still attractive?
<SenorWeird> for someone her age, I'd say so.
<misogynic> Can I have her number?
<misogynic> What's her name?
<misogynic> Is that her honest number?
#33853 +(226)- [X]
<siliconcenturion>: man, half the sales reps at the toyota dealership should be named Uncle Ben
<siliconcenturion>: black guys trying to sell me rice
#34421 +(133)- [X]
KoG_Work> God damn it... "the westbound backup to the toll plaza is horrible! west 80 is slow from central, 580 jams up from lakeshore, and north 880 is slow from the grand avenue curve. the metering lights are on, and traffic on the upper deck is slow from the incline into san francisco" ~_~
* KoG_Work ponders taking the 92...
<KoG_Work> if it's backed up to lakeshore, can't even make a detour to Ikea like I normally do!
<St0rmD> you go to the furniture store so much you have detours and shortcuts to get there?
<DishHole> maybe ikea has a drive-through
#39163 +(304)- [X]
onkeybutt87: I saw more tonight then I've seen in the past fifteen years of my life
onkeybutt87: I saw several girls in their bras
onkeybutt87: (and, yes, they knew I was there)
#43506 +(274)- [X]
[+NekoGirl]: bored evening
[+NekoGirl]: guess ill get the cell phone, stick it on the panties and call till the bat runs out ..
#53594 +(263)- [X]
<Lenore> this computer is set up all wrong... I can't believe James broke my computer
<flawed> first your hymen now your computer
<flawed> what was he thinking?
<Lenore> he wasn't
#55918 +(158)- [X]
<Koobze> I'm kind of angry at my friends... I paid the $50 for the hair bleach and dye, since one or two of them were supposed to join me and split the cost, and yet they're not and I'm stuck with all that cost.
<Fat-Burrick> and gay hair
<Koobze> yeah, it's pretty gay
<Koobze> just adds insult to injury
#56194 +(320)- [X]
<Winkingdog> Cute toll collector At the Harbour tunnel this morning. Blond, young and very cute. I'm gunna ask her out..
<Winkingdog> I wonder how many round trips Ill have to do before I get the chance :)
<DD> Shit!!! She's already costing you money!:-)
#57143 +(106)- [X]
<wankel> can anyone try and get a cd-key for me ive tryed and had no luck its for soldier of fortune 2
<maestro> wankel: can anyone try going to your local wal-mart and BUYING THE DAMN SOFTWARE?
<maestro> if you want to warez it, at least put some effort into it :)
#60633 +(468)- [X]
<perlplexer> perldoc .eh
<perldoc> .eh is western sahara
<perlplexer> hmm, i was expecting Canada
<deus> unfortunately no registrar exists for .eh
<deus> or i would get aboot.eh
<deus> and start irc'ing in #ontario and #vancouver from what.is.this.all.aboot.eh
#62578 +(61)- [X]
<Spud> Man, watching Fear Factor earlier. Two Hot Chicks + Horse Rectum Eating Contest = TurnOn++
<Spud> Synthetic horse rectum, of course, but still...
#77345 +(160)- [X]
<HackerJoe^Away> hell, don't you guys ever read isonewz or nforce... how did you get in here?
<TheBrax> I used packetne*s (just in case it's a bad word) and xdccspy
*** mfer sets mode: +b *!*@DAABE17B37.addictz.net
*** TheBrax was kicked by mfer (*xdccspy* - word not allowd in #Datavault - 5 mins Ban.)
#136509 +(88)- [X]
<idlerakefighter> What's the deal with Ovaltine
<Sarah> the cup's round :(
<Sarah> the container's round :(
<Sarah> why isn't it roundtine?
#138185 +(214)- [X]
<Sabrebutt> So, I started learning Java today.
<tacojon> i hope you washed your hands afterwards
#192173 +(68)- [X]
<Jim> The blue man group is a complete ripoff of the smurfs
#193625 +(280)- [X]
* Kosaku has Lee raped by some random tentacles.
* Lee dies.
<Tash> Its Rape 'o clock.
<Tash> Oh wait.
<Tash> I'm reading my watch wrong.
#265526 +(1494)- [X]
<Asha`monkey> One time I was watching porn for like twenty minutes. When I was finished, I took off my headphones and found the sound blaring out of my regular speakers as well.
<Asha`monkey> My mom told me to turn it down.
#267657 +(2216)- [X]
<Slap_Shot> scooby doo 2 beat passion of the christ in movie theaters
<LeafsFan> i bet the pope blamed those meddling kids :P
#268485 +(426)- [X]
* Kavey starts talking to the internet in binary
<Alver> 10110101011111010100101011010111010100 Kavey? :)
<gavagai> Alver: watch the language
<Kavey> Alver: how dare you... my mother is a saint
#350568 +(1228)- [X]
<houhou> i havnt had sex in a month now :(
<StopNdroP> I grew a nut tree in my backyard and now it's a prize winning plant
<Yuri> wow your nuts must be huge
<Quake> please tell me youre talkin about stopndrop
#366903 +(1063)- [X]
<neverrain> omg i went outside
<neverrain> i havent been outside in weeks
<neverrain> it was.....freaky
<Axis100> I can usually determine the last time I went outside by using /systemuptime.
<Axis100> 6 days, 28 mins and 16 seconds
#447190 +(1186)- [X]
<f|ywork> 1 of our students has got himself in a spot of bother. He booked out a dv cam and a firewire hard drive from the helpdesk, then videoed some chick giving him head and forgot to delete it from the hd when he returned it
<TBBwork> do u have a copy of this video?
<f|ywork> it's rendering in premiere as we speak
#451084 +(440)- [X]
<Kat_3y3z> I think I tanned too long tonight.
<dudley> Kat_3y3z: why tan? you have good skin
<remisser> yes. why ruin that pretty skin of yours? Now I'll never be able to make my mask...
#459217 +(3278)- [X]
<hoLy> my friend is giving me a tattoo with a bic pen and a knife right now
<hoLy> hurts so much but he almost finished
<hoLy> Hes finishing up the I in SATIN
<hoLy> Yeah, so it'll say HAIL SATIN
<hoLy> This is gonnna be awesome
#564186 +(672)- [X]
<Raidonkid> My sister is fucking slow. She came home last night complaining about how her boyfriend lied to her and got her pregnant. He told her he was circumcized twice and she thought it meant he was sterile.
#616101 +(1028)- [X]
<J-Dawg> no, I just refuse to turn on my heat after my $255 heating bill
<WeirdAl> 1 dollar more and you'd need another bit
#827006 +(5231)- [X]
ElGarlic: Spending your life waiting for the messiah to come save the world is like waiting around for the straight piece to come in Tetris.
ElGarlic: Even if it comes, by that time you've accumulated a mountain of shit so high that you're fucked no matter what you do.
#916080 +(1115)- [X]
<SaxxonPike> Had some crazy kid running around flailing his arms around come up to me and shout "GUESS WHAT! I'M ONE IN A MILLION!"
<SaxxonPike> One million is a small portion of the world population. So I shouted back "THAT MEANS THERE'S ABOUT 7,000 MORE OF YOU HYPER FUCKS RUNNING AROUND"
#945895 +(224)- [X]
<slifty> You know why sex when camping is so great?
<slifty> Because it's fucking in tents!