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#1932 +(539)- [X]

* Fry plays with his dead baby hand puppets.
<Fry> "I'm Dead."..."Me Too"

#6575 +(266)- [X]

<@_uaioe> BITE THE PILLOW, KID... ITS GOIN' IN DRY!

#6978 +(201)- [X]

<pkt> if i was giving some one cpr, and i heard my ups beeping, i would stop the cpr, and make sure my computer got plugged in somewhere else

#7229 +(556)- [X]

asjk] !list
[asjk] anyone know a good open ftp?
[ck1] 127.0.0.1
[asjk] need a userid/pw
[ck1]anonymous
[bluerose] oh come on give him the good account
[ck1] :)
[bluerose] l: hax0r
[bluerose] p: 31337
[asjk] thx

#7361 +(245)- [X]

<devilgrl> qwasz: im a rocket technician for the govt.
<devilgrl> i used to be a unix admin
<pagan> sure have alot of exp for being 21...
<devilgrl> pagan: i dropped outta school and started working fulltime when I was 17
<pagan> then the .gov picked you up to work on rockets?
<devilgrl> my friend works for the company, he got me an interview
<pagan> and they saw your stunning education record, and hired you right?
<pagan> of course your full of shit, your a girl
<devilgrl> exactly

#8603 +(-65)- [X]

<sleepswithangels> quiet in here
<sleepswithangels> HII!!!
<sleepswithangels> oh fuck this

#15491 +(263)- [X]

<[vr]bLaZe|wErK> i finally registered for me fall classes
<[zT]Lunchie> i hope english is one of them

#16098 +(296)- [X]

<madlocust> notmany women have me so into them that I can see them as a great friend
<madlocust> and in her case...my best friend
<|ced> so write a poem, fag

#16110 +(6)- [X]

<continuum> in the binary bible is the devil marked as 222?

#16678 +(382)- [X]

<extrasupreme> This one time, i scored this chick at the pub...in the TOILETS !
<dunnakin> no you didnt you lying fuckhead
<extrasupreme> ok, i made it up
<extrasupreme> damn.

#18539 +(136)- [X]

(jR): unix is weak.. I prefer to use Pascal

#20528 +(394)- [X]

<Nugget94M> I remember when my mom first got on the internet, about 2 years ago. She *almost* had it figured out.
<Nugget94M> she managed to use a search engine, and found a web page she was interested in.
<Nugget94M> so she printed it out, stuck it in an envelope, and _mailed_ it to me so I could see it too.
<acidkill> Nugget94M: hehe, i guess she didnt know about email?
<Nugget94M> she knew about email. it just never dawned on her that she could mail the url.

#21145 +(42)- [X]

<l0wkey> im under house arrest
<l0wkey> for two years
<_INTRA_> what did ya do?
<l0wkey> some bullshit stalking charges
<l0wkey> 32 convictions
<l0wkey> 104 trials
<_INTRA_> lowkey: u are so full of shit
<l0wkey> that is what the judge said
<l0wkey> i was caught stalking her...i said i wanted to talk to her about the case
<l0wkey> i was caught at 2:00 am, 16 times
<l0wkey> in a row

#23153 +(1317)- [X]

<Nick^> CS!
<Nick^> CS!
<Nick^> CS!
<Nick^> CS!
<Nick^> CS!
<Nick^> CS!
<Mr_Day> I think Nick is trying to tell us something.  What is it, boy?  Is Timmy trapped down a well?

#30514 +(329)- [X]

<Phyresis> I keep getting linked to websites I've seen months ago, for something completely differnet
<Phyresis> it's like it's some sort of web, or a network
<ZS> is it called "the internet"?

#34226 +(350)- [X]

<AkumaUsagi> I want to be able to trust people more.  That means I have to be able to throw them further.

#42196 +(1092)- [X]

<DVS01> i read about some unix server dying every night
<DVS01> so the techs stayed overnite drinking coffee to see why it dies every nite
<DVS01> then they see the maid come in, unplug the server, plug in the vacuum, vacuum the floor, replug the server and leave.

#43724 +(634)- [X]

<Pi> Violence solves everything.
<Pi> If you have a problem that violence doesn't solve, then you're not using enough of it.

#45186 +(384)- [X]

<hash---> back everything up on 45rpm vinyl
<ManMower> hash---: I have 80 lbs of porn on vinyl in my closet
<xbane> manmower: i have 130lbs of porn in my closet
<xbane> (dead hooker)

#46517 +(335)- [X]

<+The_Steel> I scored a 96% on the procrastination test
<+The_Steel> I'm not suprised
<+emul8or_> i put off the procrastination test till tomorrow

#53080 +(1146)- [X]

<Foxie> "My family was asking me all these nosey-ass questions, 'When are you going to find a woman?', 'When are you going to get married?', 'When are you going to have childeren?', then my grandmother was like "Maybe he donesn't like chochate..." and I was like "it's not like I don't like chochlate, it's that I don't like it without nuts."
<Foxie> "So my uncle was like "You're gay?! You don't look gay!!", so I said "Yes, I'm one of the newer models, I'm a stealth fag."

#54258 +(181)- [X]

<ceydn> Okey dokey, I'm going out
<wrath> He's going out like a deaf kid playing musical chairs

#54264 +(227)- [X]

<Que> i don't mind talking
<Que> but having pictures of my penis online
<Que> yeah, not safe
<Throttle-OSX> nah, havin yer cock and yer face in the same pic is not safe ;)
<Odin> lol
<Throttle-OSX> havin yer cock and yer exgirlfriends face in the same pics...now thats just funny

#64745 +(393)- [X]

<egg> I said I was back with Cake. I never said there was enough for everyoone
<Diet_Crack> IM ETHIOPIAN.. POOR, HUNGRY, NOW GIVE ME CAKE
<kooshy> didn't napster teach you anything about sharing?
<egg> Yes.
<egg> Don't.

#72506 +(11)- [X]

<thenanny> What do you say when you wake up in the middle of the night and see your TV floating across the room?
<thenanny> Drop it nigger!

#79778 +(224)- [X]

<Sev> Come on.  You know that you want to die in a way that inspires people to invent new, flaming drinks.

#82170 +(106)- [X]

VeraCoCha: its like a non-stop war movie......except its really war

#84711 +(123)- [X]

<@Chimerasame> pancake bukkake :9
<@Chimerasame> it's just syrup from a bunch of aunt jemima bottles

#93196 +(750)- [X]

<Q> i need a remote control, and when you press a button on it, it makes your female friends stop being weird
<Lestat> I have one of those.
<Lestat> It's called a gun.

#113653 +(332)- [X]

<Catmando> I've never had an IDE cable with a hole like that
<Catmando> I've had floppy cables, but never IDE
<dealer_> youve never had sex with a girl, but that's not saying it doesnt exist
<narayan`> ouch
<ran_dogg|> i can't top that
<Catmando> well, I do have more experience with IDE cables than with women

#117351 +(283)- [X]

<@Shively> my last college had a guy who was smearing feces on the bathroom walls
<+PickleHead> ewww
<@Shively> yea well the guy at our college was becomming so popular that the student goverment put an article out on him
<+PickleHead> have you seen the book called Brown spots on the walls by "hooflung pooh"?
<+PickleHead> :P
<@Shively> he said he would stop if he could have a spot for somehting he wanted to say
<@Shively> so they gave it to him and he defended it as an art form
<+PickleHead> LMAO
<+PickleHead> you can't be serious
<@Shively> saying that feces drawn on walls is an expression of fecal art
<@Shively> so
<+PickleHead> ......................................
<+PickleHead> fecal... art....
<@Shively> the janitors responded with their own article

#119073 +(-826)- [X]

<exo> why are redneck murders so hard to solve
<exo> cuz theres no dental records and all their DNA is the same
<fearz> HAHAHA

#139483 +(319)- [X]

<BLIZZ> the Xbox 2 will include high-end gaming hardware, a mini-fridge capable of holding an entire case of soda or beer, an air-conditioning unit, a four slice toaster, a TIVO unit, cup holders, a diaper changing table, a trash can, and a refillable toothpaste reservoir. Even the new extra large controllers - designed specifically for use by basketball players - will incorporate heated buttons and miniature LCD screens so you don't miss out on any of the action
<BLIZZ> but thats just my prediction.......
<around-Bellerophon> no way...not gonna happen....they'd never pull off the refillable toothpaste reservoir

#164609 +(443)- [X]

<Legendre> I got two spams today - one for weight loss, and one for penile enlargement. I relplied to both, with cc: and asked if they could work something out to transfer my extra weight to my johnson.

#165870 +(551)- [X]

<VolteFace> heh, an idiot in my art class today tried to stab someone with a pencil
<VolteFace> so he grabbed the guys arm
<VolteFace> and swings
<VolteFace> and PLUNGES THE PENCIL INTO HIS OWN FINGER

#237965 +(283)- [X]

(+^Bunny) without the sex
(@Squiggle) the sex doesnt matter
(+^Bunny) like prison mates :)
(+^Bunny) lol j/k
(@Squiggle) I would SO much rather have someone hold me and play with my hair and snuggle me while I sleep than have sex.
(@Squiggle) sex is irrelevant to me most times.
(+^Bunny) i think a lot of women would ;)
(@Squiggle) Besides, my washing machine has a great spin cycle.

#258595 +(699)- [X]

< SnPz> skal jeg gå inn på den siden??
< SnPz> er du norsk??
< [Mosh]> I dont have my secret decoder ring on

#364176 +(863)- [X]

<sunfish>I stopped a rape in the city last night
<Donnyman>How'd you do that
<sunfish>Simple I stopped following her.

#453153 +(936)- [X]

<dmsndlr> You know, it was kinda hard being the only jewish kid in a small town..
<dmsndlr> I'm tall, so I used to play in the church's basketball team and everytime I stepped on court the ref went "FOUL!"
<dmsndlr> And I was like "What, I didn't even do anything!"
<dmsndlr> "Well you did kill Jesus."

#553790 +(3751)- [X]

<Victorian_Skunk> Is there a new virus going around? My Windows has suddenly changed to another language! I think it's Croatian.
<Dan> You Got Serbed!

#574419 +(406)- [X]

<Jimmothi> damint
<Jimmothi> i drew on some plastic
<Jimmothi> then it rubbed off on my hand
<Jimmothi> i never noticed and slept on it and now its all up my face and ear
<Jimmothi> i look like a smurf gave me a facial

#670129 +(1099)- [X]

<Dooley>omg </3
<Mstandot>What does that smiley represent?
<mictoboy>a vasectomy

#687845 +(870)- [X]

<Linuxgeek> How do i find the model of my card?
<Serena[T]> your nick is misleading, seriously

#724976 +(1930)- [X]

<Green> So I got in my car
<Green> and there was birdshit on my windsheild
<Green> so i got a paper towel and got out to wipe it off
<Green> but it wouldn't come off
<Green> and thats when I realized it was on the INSIDE
<Green> I had a hard time getting to sleep that night

#741844 +(626)- [X]

<laszlow> What would you rather wake up to at three in the morning? A dick in your mouth or a clown grinning at you from across the room?
<Neal> I can only pick one

#756793 +(-9)- [X]

<tigrow> if u think its getting to hot masterman
<tigrow> put water on it
<tigrow> use icewater
<tigrow> they need that the first 2 hours or so
<Crimpy> dont forget to jam knives into the back while you do it
<Sacred_> you guys are mean
<Sacred_> yer gonna fuck his box up
<Sacred_> use olive oil

#765569 +(43)- [X]

Jmnky127: i found a way to make money
Jmnky127: at school
Jmnky127: people will give me dollars to light my nipples on fire with axe
Jmnky127: or other peoples nipples while they are asleep
Jmnky127: ive made some good money doin that
Jmnky127: like $10
Jmnky127: ive been able to eat a good lunch

#777172 +(440)- [X]

<Adun|Oblivion> "The ejaculation of a dolphin carries so much force with it, that it could decapitate you."
<ChaosSmurf> You know
<ChaosSmurf> This is why Dolphins are ALWAYS happy
<ChaosSmurf> They're just sitting there going "Yeah, bitches, I can decapitate you with my sperm"

#779709 +(1668)- [X]

<jimnathan> fuck fuck fuck... why does bash.org keep posting those roses are red bastardizations?
<jimnathan> newsflash!! theyre not funny
<jimnathan> the only way it could possibly get worse is if someone made a poem like that completely in 1337
<Fraeon> R0535 4R3 R3D, V10l375 4R3 BLU3, 1337 P037RY 5UCK5, BU7 50 D0 Y0U?

#803501 +(2058)- [X]

<Somebody241> i was playing XBL yesterday
<Somebody241> and i was playing wit my friend
<Somebody241> and im sure hes maried and everything
<Somebody241> And all of a sudden
<Somebody241> His wife comes on the mic and says
<Somebody241> "Can my husband quit the game so we can have sex?"
<Somebody241> and then some lil 9 year old in my team says "Sure just leave the mic on"

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