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#70 +(872)- [X] * XS slaps the crap out of someone with a larger than ordinary, non-standard, frames compatible, Microsoft trout.
#670 +(439)- [X] <Johnno> wouldnt it be cool if there was a cow that had a door on it's side, that when you opened it up, it produced nummmy pie
<wonko> that's a good idea! hold on while I round up some venture capital...
#1582 +(166)- [X] <assman2> i hate getting cum on my hand
<assman2> its fucking annoying
<assman2> have to find something to wipe if off on
<mabbz> assman shoots it all over his chest and belly and then smears it around so he can pretend he's a glazed donut
<assman2> mabbz
<assman2> i cant shoot that far
<mabbz> oh so when you cum it just oozes out into your belly button?
<hydro> jesus
<assman2> i fucking hate when that happens
<hydro> this is fucking disgusting
<assman2> it happened to me once
#2238 +(473)- [X] <DrWoody> List of things I have accomplished today:
<DrWoody> ...
<DrWoody> ...
<DrWoody> That is all.
#3524 +(4400)- [X] <Ouroboros> Has anyone ever logged into dev0n's FTP?
<Affe> ouro: that some kind of sexual innuendo?
<xpander> is that a euphemism?
<Ouroboros> Possibly
<Ouroboros> Shhh
<Ouroboros> I try to be subtle about these things.
<Affe> in that case, i 'log into dev0ns ftp' all the time
<Ouroboros> Yeah, she gave me her "login" but she won't reply to my "/msgs"
<Affe> dude i had 'sex' with her in the 'butt' the other day
<Affe> oh wait
<Affe> we're being subtle
#6228 +(1802)- [X] <TotAffen> On a scale from 1 to 10, I'm so drunk.
#6430 +(307)- [X] <TwoEight> heh, i dont even know how to hack a system
<TwoEight> i am always amazed when i hear such stories
<TheBigZ> hell, half the time I can't get into my own damn box, much less someone elses
#7053 +(50)- [X] <anarch> do you get to beat your pets like in dungeon keeper?
<Twinkcide> You can beat them and throw things at them!
<anarch> sweet
* Twinkcide throws anarch into the side of a mountain
#8085 +(327)- [X] <biatch> he tells me how he's cheated on two of his gfs
<biatch> then when i email him telling him i'm back with luke
<biatch> he's all disappointed
<biatch> and he's like
<biatch> "i told you about the girls i cheated on because i wanted you to TRUST me"
#13495 +(63)- [X] <Skyphox> ahhh shoot, my spelling script has disapeared again
#14589 +(204)- [X] <+CmOrHaIr> i can put a computer together and be prepareing the hdd in 20 min
<+CmOrHaIr> or 15 even
<+Jackworks> CmOrHaIr: if u do it in 15 i bet i can make it in 14
* ^Caliban makes sure to avoid any computers put together by Cmor or Jack
#15770 +(364)- [X] <tober> I actually did the math once, and it's improbable that a million monkeys with a million typewriters (one typewriter per monkey) that all type at the rate of a good typist 24/365 would ever produce the collected works of shakespeare before the heat death of the universe. So there.
#17452 +(239)- [X] <emp|whiskey> icq??? who still uses that?
<jud_> pervs
<zapp> i do
<zapp> oops
<zapp> oh damn.
#17973 +(270)- [X] <Lyfe> definition of porking: going to the club with the intention of sleeping with the fattest hoe you can find, in the hopes your bitch will be fatter then the ones your buddies pick up, so you get the pot of money.
<Lyfe> oops, wrong channel =/
<Lyfe> disregard
Morlack coughs
<Rakash|HoW> Lyfe you need a little timeout?
<Morlack> No, I think he needs a better plan at getting women.
#22704 +(111)- [X] (+Mutsumi_Otohime): a m8 of mine had to go to the hospital, & worried the staff there by talking about how I had worms, of course, the staff didn't know he meant the game :P
#23284 +(154)- [X] (Sloth) neighbor's house power is out.. perfect time for me to kill them
(Kirby-no-Osekkai) good idea
#31812 +(163)- [X] <_kd> msn is the closest thing to parking a white van outside a school yard
#33566 +(235)- [X] <moku> oh god
<moku> i typed "PENISHED" instead of "PUNISHED" in an e-mail
#44574 +(242)- [X] Kitsa> we had a kid bake ex-lax pot brownies and give them to a teacher
<Kitsa> he had the shits but he was pretty happy about it
#45663 +(193)- [X] * Fighter notes at his store Pepsi Blue is cheaper than water......
#48197 +(372)- [X] (Rjx)[+] #1 cool thing about IRC
(Rjx)[+] no-one knows if you're naked
#50095 +(56)- [X] <Seteh> man... we've been together over 2 years now :)
<raeccratf> ask her to marry you, then you can have a night of great fun!
<raeccratf> but regret it in the morning :/
#58995 +(43)- [X] <Rackshack-GregM> got my first DVD-A on Tuesday
<RS-Andrew> dvd-a? double vaginal double anal?
<Rackshack-GregM> hah
<Rackshack-GregM> DVD Audio
#68536 +(370)- [X] <Raekwon> Matrix 2: "Hey Neo, let's go for a walk" **CRAZY MATRIX MUSIC** camera angles all over the place, approx time to walk one block 25 minutes
<BlurryMystr> haha, well yeah. It's the Matrix.
<BlurryMystr> Nothing ever happens plainly in the Matrix.
<Tituba> tying shoes
<Raekwon> just like The Bible
<Tituba> breathing
<Teegus> "Neo! walk the dog" *Kung foo dog shitting action*
<BlurryMystr> Neo: "Boy, this burger looks good." *agents leap up, try to steal the burger, Neo has to fight them off while eating fries*
<Teegus> neo dodges fries leaving onion ring trails
<Tituba> after he finishes killing them all he mutters "now that's done my way"
#75905 +(150)- [X] <[Basil]Ruger> Flashing backgrounds make eplileptic Jesus cry
#93832 +(329)- [X] <Treen> did you hear? hillary rosen, the lady from the RIAA will be writing Iraq's new copyright law.
<+Antiarc> Yeah
<Treen> god help those poor fuckers.
<+Antiarc> No kidding
<AshPlissken> Are you shitting us?
<Treen> nope.
<+Antiarc> You know...
<+Antiarc> Actually, that's brilliant.
<+Antiarc> Bush is a freaking genius.
<+Antiarc> See...
<+Antiarc> ...he lets Rosen goes in...
<+Antiarc> ...she sets up copyright law...
<+Antiarc> ...Bush bombs her to free the Iraqi people from another oppressive dictator.
#102274 +(283)- [X] <adorecm> i just had to type out my proposal for english class.
<whitcomb> "Dear Gay English teacher: I will marry you for an A. Sincerely, Eric Metz."
<adorecm> not a proposal like that
#122901 +(484)- [X] <michaelr> heh, new zealanders think the aussies are shagging the sheep, and the aussies think the nz'ers are shagging the sheep... quite frankly, i think it's the sheep who are sluts
#127767 +(237)- [X] DraZ: Well, except Elmo
DraZ: They even made a toy so that when you touched him, he had convulstions.
NeoNess: I thought it was Orgasms
NeoNess: THAT TICKLES
#136550 +(807)- [X] <DreadS> wow
<DreadS> evl - are you shrooming ?
<evl> dude
<evl> i wish
<evl> that way i could goto bed comforted
<DreadS> E ?
<evl> knowing there wasnt a goddamned vampire
<evl> flyin around my house
#165759 +(1343)- [X] <MattLing> I just had a genius idea
<MattLing> DVD rewinders
<MattLing> it spins and whirrs and stupid people buy them
#167081 +(250)- [X] <dekk> your mom lost her virginity in a penis accident
<[b&]shoez> i lost my penis in a virginity accident
#182036 +(783)- [X] <TeamGato-Mumbo> oh god, my cat is being eaten by racoons
<TeamGato-Mumbo> brb
#216831 +(901)- [X] <Volt9000> WHY ARE THERE ALWAYS PUBES ALL OVER MY KEYBOARD?!
<FunG> you coughed?
#288357 +(457)- [X] <Calisa> When I was little I always wanted little people that could fit in the palm of my hand.
<JPGumby> they are called 'employees'
#387388 +(35)- [X] [Lamsey> lol, i'm running UT in spectator mode to run down my laptop's battery and the camera's right next to a biorifle spot
[Lamsey> whole screen's covered in green goo, hehe
<-FuNkY CaPrIcOrN-> that happened to me last night
<Lamsey> ok FC, please don't elaborate in any way or form please
<-FuNkY CaPrIcOrN-> I sneezed and all this stuff came out of my nose
<-FuNkY CaPrIcOrN-> all over the screen
<Lamsey> ugh, too late
<-FuNkY CaPrIcOrN-> people tell younger guys to make sure they have enough money...comdums...etc when they go on a date
<-FuNkY CaPrIcOrN-> also remember to blow your nose before you go out
<-FuNkY CaPrIcOrN-> could cause problems
<Lamsey> 'snot usually a problem for me
#393323 +(47)- [X] <Obiwan> Koreans are kicking ass at men's all around gymnastics...
<Obiwan> ....don't ask why I'm watching men's gymnastics....
<Nimdae> you like their tight asses
<Obiwan> well they don't show ass that much
<Obiwan> their pants are too loose
<Obiwan> sigh
<Obiwan> actually I turned it on and I saw a korean.
<Nimdae> you just proved you are watching their asses
#397658 +(844)- [X] <avalon> can I touch you now?
<Nala> I still don't know you
-!- avalon is now known as dad
<dad> how about now?
#400730 +(326)- [X] strangeanya: yah he's a prick...
porter is a dick: men are such pigs
porter is a dick: show me your tits
#446767 +(313)- [X] <lou> remember, as long as our balls don't touch it's not GAY
#454906 +(1175)- [X] <Biomech-> i took a shit earlier that weighed about 200g, well unimpressed
<Nezzie> so, do you actually scoop it out of the toilet?
<Biomech-> im slightly more sophisticated than that
<@cai> you're weighing shit, how sophisticated can it get?
#576041 +(1409)- [X] <timmo> 20% of americans believe the sun revolves around the earth, 17% of the people who know that the earth revolves around the sun, believe it does so every 24hours
<timmo> jesus
<timmo> people are fucking morons
<wind`> wait what
<wind`> doesn't the earth revolve around the sun in 24 hours?
<timmo> well i guess we found one of the 17%
#594218 +(788)- [X] RabidPieConsumer: I'm thinking of programming an Oregon Trail knockoff based on something entirely fictional.
RabidPieConsumer: Any ideas?
ClicheCow: how about you try to go across the ocean?
ClicheCow: you can shoot 70 pounds of sea turtles
ClicheCow: but for some fucking reason you can only carry 20
ClicheCow: your daughter dies of scurvy
ClicheCow: you try to ford the ocean and one of your oxen dies
#620757 +(143)- [X] Mizz0Spiegel: There were so many southerners in florida
Shinigaami: Uhh, maybe that's because Florida's in the south.
#622468 +(403)- [X] Vipar87: so my old ass english teacher starts going on about passing a failing kids when she starts up a story about this school bus driver who needed to pass this class to keep his job. Well, he ended up with a D+, failing, but right at the edge of a C, so she nudged him up enough to pass him. A few weeks later, he was in a wreck while driving the school bus. He died, but none of the kids did and she goes "I'm so glad I passed him so he could save those kids..." and I'm like... "Bitch, if you woulda failed him, he'd be alive, and the new, SMARTER bus driver wouldn't have wrecked the bus anyway!"
mario13256: idiot
#678111 +(442)- [X] <Animule> OOkkaayy......
<Animule> HHooww ddoo yyoouu ttuurrnn ooffff llooccaall eecchhoo iinn tthhiiss tthhiinngg??????
#694984 +(615)- [X] <Amun> just bought a server
<Amun> did a harddrive restore on it
<Amun> found nothing of interest
<Amun> except... his poems
<Amun> let me recite a few
<Amun> this one is called 'wishful thinking'
<Amun> The money I’ve blown
<Amun> Getting high with dirty bitches I wish I’ve never known
<Amun> Puffin on the pipe while they choke on my bone
<Amun> They’re never grateful of the kindness I’ve shown
<Amun> Or of all the times I’ve made them mown
<Amun> So from now on I’m just going to fucking leave them alone
#697515 +(1170)- [X] |Polly|: I'll rape you in the face
Phantom: My mom saw that
|Polly|: Good
|Polly|: I was talking to her
#819217 +(719)- [X] <Dark_Fox> Wheee.. Hooray for USB2.0's slow ass read/write bandwidth
<Dark_Fox> I get to watch my mod compile at the blazing speed of a snail
<Zail_Dark> snails are interesting
<Dark_Fox> I don't think they make for good eats, though
<Zail_Dark> what if it were a giant snail that was eating you?
<Dark_Fox> then i would be in soviet russia
#899865 +(649)- [X] serpentine9: why doesnt bash.org ever accept my quotes
DaveIt: bash.org has a strict policy of only accepting quotes that are either unoriginal or related to bash.org-rejection-induced frustration.
DaveIt: This quote happens to be both, so we have a decent shot.
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