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#265 +(739)- [X]

<hypr> i rember in kindergarden the teach took me upsidedown by my ankles and swung me around cause i wasent eating my pees..
<hypr> fucking bitch

#688 +(409)- [X]

<watashi^_> There are 177wks 3days 3mins 44secs until Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson are legal! I can't wait! d:D->=<

#1124 +(1403)- [X]

<DigDug> internet access to productivity is what condoms are to babies.
<Ash> A choking hazard?

#1731 +(1153)- [X]

<outcaste> When I was single, I used super sensitive condoms.
<outcaste> They were so sensitive that they'd stick around and talk to the chiq
for an hour after I'd gone

#1783 +(110)- [X]

<Acero> ok, someone tell me which line of this spam doesnt belong
<Acero> steven, have you entered our daily drawing at Bigprizes.com yet? You could win $25.00! Buy a
<Acero> punk rock CD and stick it to The Man!!
<Acero> steven, Get Approved for an Unsecured Gold Credit Card Instantly Online! Click here and get 500
<Acero> Bigprizes points!

#3806 +(315)- [X]

*** Parts: GiRLiE (~girlie@144.139.91.234)
* Xta-C sets mode: -stupid

#3857 +(249)- [X]

<Hiko> "all the people in #bemani are child molesters"
<nitrifik_> I'm not.
<mightyflo> not according to swedish law, anyway
<nitrifik_> exactly.
<nitrifik_> I have never sexed anyone below 15, so I'm all legal.

#5750 +(633)- [X]

<TeNcHi420> i went to this store to buy a pipe, and there was only one left, and hes all "its unbreakable" so i was like thats pretty cool, but then he starts bangin it on the tble, and im like ok stop, but he says, "no look, you can hit it how ever many times and it wont break.." on about the 7th or 8th smack on the table the thing shatters....i almost knoked his dumbass out

#6389 +(38)- [X]

<CitizenC> <k-statik> I love the smell of scat in the morning! <-- Shouldn't that be "taste"?

#7127 +(157)- [X]

*** Mezoth|work was kicked by Avie_work (the last guy that said, "I think you know what I want" to me ended up in the hospital. FOR SIX MONTHS.)

#7463 +(57)- [X]

<tris> why did someone stick an altoid in your cd player?
<furyoujin> tris, we were having phun and he got a lil overexcited

#10000 +(404)- [X]

<Cuthalion> I figured out why I'm not getting mad chixorz.
<majesty> ?
<Cuthalion> My humours are off. I need more blood and vitriol and less bile and phlegm.

#10611 +(130)- [X]

<+b00st> leaving for sleep and other related things
<+b00st> don't ask

#14139 +(234)- [X]

<Choc> CARDIFF: Twelve people have been taken to hospital after Spanish world title contender Carlos Sainz's Ford left the road and hit spectators at the British rally here.
<morty> they were obviously cheering for another driver

#15834 +(340)- [X]

<@redium> i have never had a condom break on me ever
<@redium> maybe the gas-station generic glow in the dark ones break.. but real ones dont
<+elf> ...glow in the dark ones...?
<+elf> how can you misplace your penis so badly that you need for it to glow?
<@redium> its the entertainment factor, not the visibility factor
<+elf> i see...

#20269 +(269)- [X]

<Graeme> Fifty-nine people have attempted suicide and, out of this, 26 people have died. This is of great concern
<Graeme> i bet it fucking is.. a return rate of 50% is pretty shitty

#20749 +(30)- [X]

<clairey> a blowjob is fobbing someone off half the time because you couldnt be fucked.  pardon the pun.

#22172 +(357)- [X]

<sluggy> my essay kinda sucks, its not long enough
<Stooert> talk about fight club
<sluggy> Both Caesar and Brutus had good intentions and good qualities about them. However, they both contained flaws that led to their downfall, thus making them both "tragic heroes" in the Shakespearian sense. Self improvement is masturbation, and you are not your fucking Khakis.

#22745 +(95)- [X]

<@Bikutoru|gone> well, you beat me
<@Bikutoru|gone> i'm out of ammo
<+Edwin> already?
<@Bikutoru|gone> damn right
<+Edwin> jeez no wonder men call you the "minute man" in bed
<@Bikutoru|gone> =|

#22955 +(1788)- [X]

<Elly_May>  i'm so sick of fucking my father
<Shitshe>  you mean i'm so sick of MY fucking father
<Elly_May> whatever makes you happy you conservative piece of shit

#24749 +(39)- [X]

<Locke> WinAmp 3 sucks, well it rules cept I keep getting errors

#26996 +(645)- [X]

* nephlite is listening to korean pop
<Anwar> is it about starcraft?
<nephlite> probably

#27484 +(141)- [X]

<bri> 12
<bri> er
<bri> 22
<napalm_> sweet...
<napalm_> oh
<bri> either way
<napalm_> darn thought someone I might be able to score.
<napalm_> lol
<bri> im not gonna ask
<napalm_> I always keep lollipops on me.

#35896 +(240)- [X]

<Heather> penises are scary =/
<Kevyn> how so?
<Heather> they feel weird.
<Kevyn> how do they feel?
<Heather> like the rubber lizard in spencer's.

#36771 +(213)- [X]

<clay> ryan isnt here
<clay> im declaring marshall law
*** clay sets mode: -o clay

#41475 +(1652)- [X]

(jonathans) i want a cow bell that makes a cow noise
(jonathans) when i hit it
(jonathans) it will go "COW"
(orion) cows go moo

#45341 +(1333)- [X]

<Lothodrus> time for the sleeping
<Lothodrus> night
*** Lothodrus has left #rpgfan
<Flik> I ought to join him
<Flik> Well...not literally join him...but join him in thought
<Flik> Not that I would be thinking about sleeping with him, though...
<Flik> ...
* Flik sobs quietly

#50804 +(246)- [X]

<SteamedHams> heroin should be more widespread. it's like an off button for morons

#57829 +(1713)- [X]

<PigsCantFly> SO MY MUM WAS LIKE "CLEAN YOUR ROOM" AND IM LIKE "NO WAY FACIST" IM THE PUNKEST
<@K0ffing> THEN I SAID I'M 12 NOW MUM I CAN STAY OUT AS LONG AS I LIKE AND SHE SAID GO TO YOUR ROOM SO I STABBED HER WITH MY LINKIN PARK PEN
<PigsCantFly> D00D MY MUM SAID SHE DOESNT WANT ME SKATING IN THE HOUSE BUT I WAS LIKE NO WAY HITLER AND I KICK-FLIPPED TO INDY GRIND ON THE CAT

#58754 +(175)- [X]

<The_Cold> I wish it was the end of January.
<Tenchi147> it is
<Tenchi147> in japan...
<Tenchi147> in japan it's the year 2025
<The_Cold> I wish it was the end of january in North America.
<Tenchi147> it is
<Tenchi147> in canada
<Tenchi147> it's like 1805 in canada

#60165 +(415)- [X]

<Poo> Imagine my surprise when Jim said the Hamtaro girl was hot and I was weirded out cause she was a 5th grade girl
<Poo> Then I found out he was talking about the hamster

#65530 +(824)- [X]

<lav> pandas are black and white, lamer
<lav> that bear is solid grey
<Zhuzhen> hey Lav, join #avaxx for a sec.
<lav> ok?
<Zhuzhen> no one in there?
<Zhuzhen> yeah, that's the room of people that care.

#75802 +(410)- [X]

<Volt9000> Grog is where it's at
<AL9000> Yar!
<Volt9000> Do you mock me?
<AL9000> No, I'm agreeing with you
<Volt9000> LIAR! You mock me with your pirate attitude!
<Volt9000> I'll make you WALK TEH PLAKN!!!!11
<AL9000> ONLY IF I GET TO SWAB YUOR POOP DECKS!!!1
* AL9000 yanks off Volt's pants
<AL9000> YAARRR! PREPARE TO BE BOARDED!

#88314 +(315)- [X]

<b1u3> i got this college professor who forgets stuff all the time, every week, the first half of his routine is the ending half of the previous session
<b1u3> finally some dude jumped up and went 'yo man, you already told us about file transfer protocol', so the prof asks where we are, the guy tells him, the rest of the day runs smooth
<b1u3> now we're learning twice as much and the guy who spoke up got his car egged four fucken times this week, community college is da rulz

#88569 +(530)- [X]

<Sabrejack> everything is generalized

#91807 +(829)- [X]

<Kukyona> how is hacking like sex? gets better with practice?
<m4tt-3> ehh
<m4tt-3> 'get in, get out, hope you dont leave anything behind that can be traced to you

#106446 +(206)- [X]

<navi> HELLO, MY NAME IS ASHLEIGH, AND I AM REAL.
<Chibi-Usa> HELLO
<Chibi-Usa> MY NAME IS CHIBI
<Chibi-Usa> AND I AM A FIGMENT OF YOUR IMAGINATION
<Frostuman_The_White> HELLO
<Frostuman_The_White> MY NAME IS FROSTUMAN THE WHITE 
<navi> and you are going to take over Middle Earth
<Frostuman_The_White> AND I AM AN ALCO---I'M GOD! YES! THAT'S WHAT I MEANT!

#106459 +(39)- [X]

<caze> SCO ought to be sued for suing

#123586 +(1084)- [X]

[Yaksha] At least I'll have my laptop with me at work ;)
[Heri] WOOOHOOO!
[Heri] No clitoris, though
[Yaksha] Clitoris?
[Heri] yeah you know... the little bump in the middle of the keyboard ;)
[Heri] you kinda have to tickle it to make it work
[Yaksha] lol
[Yaksha] I think that'd look kind of weird at work ...
[Yaksha] The computer starts beeping louder and faster ...
[Heri] LMAO LMAO LMAO
[Heri] then shoots a CDROM out of the drive
[Yaksha] LOL
[Yaksha] The monitor panel slowly falls into the closed position
[Heri] LMAO!
[Heri] then it smokes a ciggy?
[Yaksha] Nahh, it formats a floppy

#165238 +(540)- [X]

(token_nrg): btw, I made some kind of statement last nite about Domino's Philly Cheesesteak pizza rox0r'ing.
(token_nrg): I would like to retract that statement if possible
(token_nrg): My anus thanks you
(token_nrg): and good nite

#267723 +(1486)- [X]

#461213 +(1229)- [X]

<Langly1> ive got a dual socket A system running cheap chips, i use it mainly to encode 80's mp3's i call it Duron Duron

#547569 +(3496)- [X]

#587028 +(440)- [X]

<Bakazuki> Damn it, I don't care if mouth is going to hurt like a bitch during winter break (I've stated this before; I'm having my wisdom teeth pulled out), I just want it now!
<Jones> I will now take that quote out of context and spam it to people.
<Jones> [11:20:25 PM] Bakazuki: Damn it, I don't care if mouth is going to hurt like a bitch, I just want it now!

#621572 +(901)- [X]

[sp00n06] i don't get math
[vinyard] you get even?
[sp00n06] ??

#672235 +(884)- [X]

<Method> good evening gentlemen.
<Method> would you like to play a game?
<Method> It's called "guess what intoxicated state I'm in".
<Method> It's really fun.
<Method> on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the least, 2 being the most, and 10 being somewhere around the middle...

#673771 +(2426)- [X]

< Codegen> one day my gf and I were watching TV, when the news reports came on talking about how there were suicide bombers in london, and how they destroyed the transit system. The news reporters said that these bombing were similar to the previous suicide bombings from a week before. Then my gf turns to me and asks, "Do you think that they are the same suicide bombers?"

#809257 +(379)- [X]

Alex: I need to take a poo
Dad: Don't take a poo, leave a poo
Alex: Well, if I don't take it, do I not flush it?
Dad: Well what are you going to do with it?
Jenn: I can't believe you're having this conversation

#843808 +(214)- [X]

< bluehat> the more I think about it, the more I realize I don't really need a perfect world to be happy
< bluehat> I'd easily settle for one where it is physically impossible for a bathroom to run out of toilet paper
< andrewjb> careful what you wish for
< andrewjb> you may get that, but have to reuse the same sheets of toilet paper

#866133 +(4355)- [X]

<Poyzin> The vet supervisor was asking me to jack off a horse to get the semen to artificially inseminate a female horse.
<Kilts> wtf lol
<Poyzin> But listen! This was a racehorse, so the owner says that I need to massage it's prostate. I'm assuming you don't know this, but the prostate on a horse is VERY fucking far back there.
<Poyzin> So, I get on the arm-length glove and I look in the room to see another doctor with a cat or something. Tells me we had too many animals so the horse was moved to a room close to the front.
<Poyzin> Well, I get there, and I put my arm in this horse's ass. I'm talkin' less than a foot from my shoulder deep. All in clear view.
<Kilts> ROFLMAO
<Poyzin> And then some redneck couple come in and they see me because this front room has shit protection on it.
<Poyzin> "You a vet?" The guy ask. I wait a few seconds to see if he was joking, but then I look back to the horse's asshole.
<Poyzin> "Nah, I'm with the Amish. I'm their mechanic."

0.0521 20983 quotes approved; 1702 quotes pending
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